† Unhappily Ever After †

2005-04-18T19:06:00.000-03:00

update

yup thats about it, my life is going downhill fast

Nice Horoscope huh?!?!

2005-03-23T14:20:00.000-04:00

Virgo
March 23rd, 2005
There's a difference -- a big one -- between being understanding and being naive. If you feel that someone out there has been doing their best to work you, don't take it for a single second longer. Put your foot down and announce that the game has officially come to an end. You've gone out of your way to do everything you could for all the people around you. If that generosity hasn't come back to you, call a time-out. Enough is enough.

Virgo
March 24th, 2005
On the one hand, you're still willing to be patient. On the other, you're feeling a bit like Mt. Etna on a bad day. Whether you explode or not is one thing -- but it's definitely time to let them know exactly how much fire you can spout. That little-known secret about you is one that you might want to share now: You have one heck of a temper. It doesn't show up much, but when it does? Stand back.

yeah so you all better watch out. Today and Tomorrow I am a force to be reckend with. According to my horoscope I'm going to officially put my foot down. Which is kinda funny cause of like all the stuff i have been thinking about lately, and all the strange dreams I've been having. I guess it kind of all goes hand in hand with each other. But anyway it's me and i don't have the balls to do anything that i wanna do.

Monday night I went to the movies with Robyn, Beckey, Karyn and Mark. We went to see hostage it was really good. And i got to meet the new Andrew. Not the one I already know the one that karyn kinda likes but I dunno whats going on with that now cause apparently she spent the night with Chancey last night.

Last night Mike and I went shopping at Walmart for Beckey. Lol. He's so funny he likes her soooo much even though he won't admit it to me anymore because you know he's TOTALLY over her. R I G H T. And I have never done anything that i shouldn't have in my entire life. It was cool shopping with him though/ picking everything out for beckey and making my shopping spree harder.

I get paid on friday!! Yay!!!! I'm so excited. I can't wait to go out this weekend even though I work the next morning at like 10:00am. We always have a huge group, but mostly girls. Poor Tyler and Mike will be out numbered for sure. I'm sure there will be some drinking after the bar again. Because we are nuts. I dunno i wasn't drunk last weekend I would like to be. I don't remember what it feels like. It's just different then sitting around home and getting drunk. You like see poeple. Fend people off. It's all in good fun though. Although Tyler had to protect Beckey and I last weekend. Lol. Stupid married guys can't take the hint that we will not allow them to cheat on their wives and especially not with us. Anyway thats a whole stupid story.

Gram isn't doing so well. She can't talk or anything anymore and she doesn't recognize people and stuff. I'm kinda upset that everyone else has got to see her but me. Oh well something for me to be mad about for the rest of my life. Gram probably thinks I forgot about her. If she even remembers who I am.

Alright I'm done depressing you all. I wanna do something today. But like it's 2:30 now not much i can do today, lol, today is coming to an end quickly. Oh well I don't work tomorrow. I need to make an appointment to get my hair cut. This is officially my reminder.

huggles

2005-03-22T00:41:00.000-04:00

thats right people the hug counter is back, you can show your apperciation for me all day long.

Interesting

2005-03-20T18:23:00.000-04:00

So last night was really interesting. I miss going out for sure. I'm going out next weekend. Me, Beckey and Tyler are. Plans were confirm as of last night, lol. So like moron's is the same as always, people trying to pick you up, buying you drinks. But it's really not as bad as it sounds. Norm bought beckey and I drinks. Jamie tried to pick me up. Shawn tried to pick Beckey up, and then Tyler hung out with us for like the rest of the night. Oh and you know Shane tried to be all cool by talking to me, but i basically ignored him. Cause you know i don't know him that well. I wish that I could forgive him and just say water under the bridge but like he played it like he didn't even know who i was. I was really lonely last night for some reason it was weird. But like ok I guess.

Tyler is moving home and then apparently him and mike are gonna move in with Beckey and i. They just want us to cook and clean and be their maids. Too bad I'm me and I hate cleaning. Although if i lived with someone else my house wouldn't look so nasty, which it really does right now and I HAVE to clean it. Besides i think that me and beckey and tyler are gonna drink here on saturday night. Oooo... lol.

What else is going on?.... We drank at Ang's and i wasn't even drunk but I still had so much fun. There was a bunch of people there. Some of which i didn't know. But it's all cool. Beckey and I basically lost everyone and just hung out with each other fending people off it was great. Going out makes me examine my life more closely and makes me realize i won't be sitting around home anymore. I'll be at work and then after that somewhere else anywhere else but here on this computer. Although i do love it so.

I guess mitch is supposed to be coming home on wednesday. It doesn't really feel like he's gone i guess cause i don't really talk to him all that much. Although he needs to call his mom cause she called me to see if i had been talking to him and she doesn't know liz's number and I definitally don't know her number. I learned a few interesting things about him last night. Well not really actually. It's nothing i didn't already know and feel like crap about so i guess i didn't hear anything about him. Although i wish people weren't compelled to tell me things cause i don't wanna know them.

And I guess thats it. We will see what the week brings me and i look forward to another interesting weekend.

My monster and me

2005-03-19T12:30:00.000-04:00

So I hung out with Beckey all day yesterday, Mike was with us for a little while too but I think we scared him off. We were all hyper and like I'm really excited to go to the bar tonight, although I have to come home like as soon as it closes cause i work in the morning at 10 until 6:30. We talked about everything, lol, we are such nutcases.

Mike kept asking me all day why Mitch and I aren't together. Why he doesn't just dump is girlfriend. And i told him it's more complicated then that. I guess. But he kept saying we should just date finially. Who know's what will ever happen. Beckey keeps dreaming that Mitch and I are together and she agrees with Mike that we should just do it. It's been long enough dodging it. She thinks her subconscious obviously wants us together. I dunno whats going on in that part of my life. And i don't know if things will ever work out. I don't even know how i want them to work out. I was trying not to talk about him. Just because, it's weird to talk about him. Like we weren't talking about him in a bad way, but I just don't wanna discuss it cause it makes me upset sometimes. Especially to know that right now he's cuddleing up with his girlfriend, and having a great time, and i'm just here. By myself, not knowing what the hell is ever gonna happen between us. I dunno.

So he's gone right now, until sometime. He didn't know when he was coming home. His mom called and she hasn't heard from him and that worries me now. But i'm sure he just didn't think to call her. And there would be no reason to call me.

Beckey and I talk about boys a lot.

Tonight I'm gonna get soooo drunk. And next weekend. And the next weekend.

I don't even get Easter dinner cause I work and because Dad and Ryan are going to Maine, but I work so I can't go.... It's so not fair. But thats ok, i think i'm gonna start spending a lot more time with Beckey and a lot less time at home on my computer. I'm missing out on being a stupid young adult by sitting around here wishing things were different. Plus I have a cell phone if people wanna talk to me, they know how to reach me. I feel like I'm waiting my life away. And really no one is out there waiting for me.

Ozzfest is July 15th, and I am like soooo excited about it. It's gonna be soo much fun.

Soup?

2005-03-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

So maybe I'm taking this all way out of proportion. I dunno. Am I totally over reacting? Cause now I feel bad that I even really reacted at all. I dunno, my life is messed up.

On another note, i don't know how i'm going to afford living by myself... beats me. I don't know if I can do it. but it has to be done, maybe some luxuries will have to be cut out of my life. Like I dunno never the internet, lol. Just food. I've been able to live without much of that for awhile.

So I think i'm going to souris tomorrow if all goes right. I'm kinda excited. I like it out there. Plus I have a mountain of laundry and they have soup. Lots of soup. And I like snuggleing my spiderman even though he doesn't think he's much of a superhero anymore. I beg to differ. He'll always be a superhero but sometimes you just gotta settle on that fact that you are human too. And bad decisions are made. I make bad decisions all the time. I dunno he still makes me smile, and I would never give up on him. We've been through lots.

I work at 2 but only until 8 today, yay, home two hours earlier. I just have to find gas money to get to souris now. Because techinically my gas money is in Souris. And I don't think the car has enough to get there. I'm quite sure it doesn't. We'd like run out before we got there for sure. And I doubt the truck has gas that I could re emburse either. So money hunting I will go.

sit back and wait

2005-03-10T10:22:00.000-04:00

So I've decided to sit back and see what comes to me. Cause really I'm the one being stupid about everything. I would like to be wanted. And the more I think about it the more I feel like sometimes I'm not. I'm so stupid. Like who in their right mind would find something out that is like hurtful towards them and just kinda push it away and try to forget about it, but not really forget about it because now thats all you can think about. But you know one of the weird things is I'm not really mad. No I'm not mad at all. The whole situation makes me really really sad, and like I should have trusted my gut feelings so it's my own fault that i got hurt. I just need to be more cautious I guess. i honestly just don't know what to do. I promised myself that this wasn't going to happen to me again and it has and I don't know how to handle it. I really don't. I dunno I still have questions I wanna ask but how do you bring that up in conversation.

ugh!

Thinking about it makes me wanna throw up. It really does. I feel so unspecial right now. And here's to sounding childish he couldn't even drive over here to see me, I had to go and visit him. I still feel the same way about him, I love being with him and snuggleing with him, but as soon as I start to feel secure I remind myself he's not mine. He's not, and he has no obligations to me. I just have to keep telling myself that.... I guess... I wish i didn't have to but it seems like thats how it's gonna be.

I dunno

2005-03-09T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm not sure how i should act. But I suppose things should change... Like I don't wanna feel like this, like I'm in the background. I dunno I can't really say too much about it. Not that anyone really reads this anyway. Maybe, I dunno. But I am not going to be able to just forget it. Any of it. Not right away anyway. I dunno I shouldn't be posting anything. Should just figure it out on my own, maybe I'll go out to mom and dad's this weekend... Maybe I'll go get smashed. I dunno.

i'm just sad

2005-03-08T12:15:00.000-04:00

i thought i should update, but i don't really feel like it, i kinda feel like crap, and i'm just really sad. i feel so ...... i just feel like i'll never be enough, i dunno i just wanna see him tonight and give him a hug...

Sorry

2005-03-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry mitch, I am just being really irrational, i'm lonely and i just want some comfort, i just wanna know that someone cares and I am desperitely seeking it, i will get over it, soon I promise, and then I will be tolerable again.

I'm just the background music...

2005-03-01T14:17:00.000-04:00

Mood: meh
Music: Matt Pond PA- Champagne Supernova
Icon of the Moment:

So I start my new job tomorrow. It's kinda scary, kinda exciting. I'll just be glad to finially have some money. And soon hopefully a car and then as soon as I can go and visit my grandmother... As long as it's not too late. I'm like semi offended that I wasn't even offered to go down and see gram. Everyone has seen her but me. Like how is that even fair. So I'm like gonna be the only one in the family who never went to visit her in the last days of her life. I kinda feel shitty about that. Thats why I wanna go, even if it's just for a weekend and even if I have to go by myself. I guess no one has really been thinking about me lately. I'm kinda like background music, you notice it when you have nothing better to listen to or think about, or like every once in awhile a catchy tune comes on.

So I had a dream last night that I found three kittens. As much as I love kittens I hope I don't find any cause I'm barely affording the ones that I've got. I can't wait to get paid friday even if it's just a little cause like I have NO money. Like 28 cents in my bank account and a dollar here on the bathroom floor, lol, cause ang dropped it in my bra and I forgot that it was there. And I have no clean clothes I don't even know what I'm gonna do about that. Maybe if I can get ahold of Beckey I can use her washing machine and if I'm really nice the dryer too. I have no idea what I will be working after tomorrow, and really all I know is that I have to be there at 9. I wonder how many people they hired. I'm always nervous meeting new people but I think I should be able to survive. New people excite me. That means possible new friends. And of course I have to look out for cute boys for Beckey, although she doesn't really need my help despite what she thinks.

Karyn accused me of spending all my time with Mitch the other day. I was like no way. I don't see him that often at all. I talk to him probably every day but I like never see him. Not like she calls me to invite me anywhere anyway.. And Beckey was too busy with Christian to remember to call me... Again I refer to the background music.

And on another note i guess Mitch was right I didn't need a cell phone cause no one feels the need to call me. Ever. Of course he will love that. Yes I said you were right now lets just move on from that.

So I read online that the Ozzfest line up and dates will be announced mid march. Well I hope thats true. It's like the only thing that I have to look forward to. That and seeing Sebago Lake again. I miss that place. Although it's not the same as it was when I was little but it is still amazing. I can like close my eyes and picture everything. And like it's such a relaxed place. I can't wait to sit on a floating blow up water thing, lol, no idea what to call it, and burn in the sun while floating on the lake. Thats what I do every time I'm there why would I change. Lol. A smile just came across my face as I remember the time it was storming, and Tiffany went back to camp and Mary Grace and I semi skinny dipped. We were such weirdos. It was so great to feel like a little kid again. Ok sorry I'm rambling on and on about it.

I guess I'm done. I don't have much more to say and even what I did write wasn't very interesting.

2005-02-28T17:28:00.000-04:00

unimportantness confirmed

2005-02-28T13:26:00.000-04:00

Mood: confused
Music: Watching, or rather listening to Grind
Icon of the Moment:

So like I am really confused right now, and decided to take the I'm not gonna make a big deal route of things. But I still feel like shit. I'm just the only one that feels like shit. I just actually don't even know what to say. I just feel really unimportant right now.

Today

2005-02-26T16:08:00.000-04:00

Mood: blah
Music: Green Day- Holiday
Icon of the Moment:

I need a holiday. I need sometime to just relax and not think, and perhaps get a tan at the same time. Too bad you need money to do that sort of thing. Or like connections. Both of which I have none. Did that even make sense? I'm gonna read it again. Yeah I think it's just like so proper english sounding. Maybe I didn't waste thousands of dollars on education, lol. So I work at 5 and have to leave soon. Blah. So not looking forward to that, and as I say this I can't remember where I put my cash key. I hope it's in my jacket pocket. Hopefully.

I don't know what I'm doing after work. Probably go pick up Beckey and drive around. Although what I would really like to do is watch those scary movies on my computer but I need a buddy to do that. Lol. I'm such a geek. I'm sure beckey will watch them with me. Anyway I should go get ready.

Write again later.

Spiderman

2005-02-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

I want to just huggle you right now so much, i can't wait to see you....

A night to forget

2005-02-25T15:32:00.000-04:00

Mood: unhappy
Music: Drowning Pool- Bringing Me Down
Icon of the Moment:

I am in love with The OC, last nights episode was pretty good. I wanna be Seth and Summer. Lol. How geeky is that? I haven't wanted to be a tv character in a long time. It's the best way to pretend that life can go the way you want it to sometimes. Seth wanted Summer so bad, and she wanted him even though she was dating someone else and she realized that you "can't fight fate". I want that to happen to be or something spetacular. I want someone to realize that without me they would be miserable. Is that too much to ask for? I think it is. Cause there is no way that I am that special that someone would be miserable without me.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. Everytime I closed my eyes I seen them wrapped in each others arms happy. And then when he signed on I just had to say hi. I shouldn't have. It makes it harder for myself. I dunno why. I like it better when I can pretend she doesn't exist. How dumb am i?

I don't know what to do. But I guess I don't deserve to know.

I was told today that I don't know how to take a compliment. My mom tells me to just say thanks. That they are probably being sincere. I just can't take a compliment. I can't believe that someone may actually find me attractive.

So I've started walking. I have my mom's tredmill. I'm walking an hour a day. Hopefully I'll start losing weight. Now I just have to work on not eating, well as much for sure, nothing bad anyway. And then that way I will look amazing for Ozzfest. Well that is like my goal, but really i just wanna be able to look at myself in the mirror. So like go down a bunch of sizes, hopefully keep some but not all of the boob, not so chubby face, just prettier. I'm going to buy a cute outfit from ebay or something, and like it's gonna be amazing. If I don't buy it I'm going to make something.

So everyone decided to ditch me because I don't have cable. Go figure. So apparently I'm the unwanted one. All the guys had a crush on beckey. But of course they like Beckey, who wouldn't like Beckey. So here's the whole story. I was like no i can't go to pat and willys, but really there were three reasons I couldn't go, well one why I couldn't and two why I shouldn't. Couldn't cause mom was coming at 4:30 to pick up some of the dog stuff, two i thought mitch would be coming over, i thought he would wanna see me, and andrew was gonna be there. So i didn't go, and that meant that I would be ditched for the rest of the evening. Mitch had plans, he has plans for the weekend. And everyone else was at dooly's having a fun time. And I'm here alone.l

I feel so useless, and unwanted.

No one wants me right now. No one ever does....

Ok this is getting dumb. I'm just stupid.

Bye

2005-02-24T22:04:00.000-04:00

you can't fight fate

Dont wanna be me

2005-02-24T15:16:00.000-04:00

Mood: sad
Music: Tegan and Sara- Where does the Good Go
Icon of the Moment:

So I said last night that I would update more, so this is me writing more. So like I'm combining three days into one I guess. Anyway.

Beckey and I went out to my parents house for the night and had a hair dying lets be girls kinda party where we talked about the same things that we talk about eveyday. Ourselves. Boys. Yup that probably covers it all. We are pathetic sometimes I know. But really how can we help if we are two awesome single girls. Why are we single you ask? I have no idea why we are single. Somehow we are defective. Well at least thats the way I feel. I am lacking something that makes me a good catch and I'm not sure what it is yet. But I'm bound to figure it out eventually. I mean I'm not gonna feel like this forever am i? Cause if I am I'm giving up now.

We were driving back to town and beckey turns to me and says "I was thinking that like when i was younger I was totally against being a stay at home mom. I was gonna work I was gonna do the whole thing, and now I think I just wanna be a mommy." I replied, " I think thats our maternal instinct kicking in... that means we're getting old." Lol. It's so true. Like when did my life become all about finding a boyfriend. I mean well it's not completely about that and I'm not sure if I wanna find a boyfriend or I just want things to work out differently but I feel like that is one of the main focus's in my life. It shouldn't be. I'm gonna be 22. That's it. I always said I don't wanna be married until I'm 25. Kids by the the time I'm 30. Now I'm just like lets get the show on the road. I don't wanna be like that. I think it's just cause I'm so unsure of where I'm even going. I change my mind on a day to day basis. Should I just forget about it for the next two years or so and just party. Should I just like forgot about it cause it's not going to happen. I dunno.

So I think what it all comes down to is I just don't wanna be me anymore. I wanna be someone exciting, and fun, and not me.

I dunno, life's fucked up and mines near the top of the list for most fucked. I'm sure it could be worse, but for right now, i can feel like it's pretty bad.

happy?

2005-02-24T00:25:00.000-04:00

Sometimes i think that i could be so happy. Sometimes I think that all we have to do is get through the shit and sort it down to all the good. You do make me really happy. Despite everything, and through it all when it comes down to it you just make me happy. I could just lie in your arms forever. It's gonna be really hard knowing she's there. Knowing that she has you all to her self, and that i can't. But i should be used to it by now shouldn't i? Is that something I'm supposed to get used to? Used to the fact that you are someone else's. I dunno. It doesn't seem to me like something i should accept. Does that even make sense probably not. Well I'll patiently wait for Sunday......sunday..... well i'll miss you...*huggles*

lol

2005-02-22T02:50:00.000-04:00

So I was just reading that entry and it makes me sound crazy and not how i wanted it to sound at all, lol. So don't think I'm crazy cause i'm not. Not really anyway. So I can't sleep I'm just like tossing and turning. I think there is too many animals and not enough people to cuddle. Thats my theory anyway.

Beckey has a date wednesday, she called to ask me if I thought it was a crazy idea. I was like no coffee isn't crazy, coffee with Jimmy might be a little crazy but not that crazy. It's her sisters doing though and beckey's lack of faith that she's gonna end up with a good guy in the end.

We were talking about baby names tonight. Lol. We're all about the babies, and the weddings. But anyway she's now decided she could go for three kids, two boys and a girl. I was like aww thats nice planning too bad it doesn't happen that way. You can't just order what you want. Although I agree with her it would be nice if you could. And she really has no choice cause I might be having the kids for her. Is she just gonna be like I'm gonna wait around for a boy, lol. That would be silly. But there's still the chance she won't need me, so it's all good.

I so look like trash right now. I look dead. That is not a good thing. Well it could be. I wish I have of slept better last night, stupid dogs. Always in the way.

Alright so mitch said brb 15 minutes ago and signed off, and hasn't signed back on so maybe he's not really coming back....

So I'm gonna stop writing now and firgure out whats up with that.

Summer

2005-02-21T21:54:00.000-04:00

I want summer to come so I can spend two weeks forgetting things that I'm probably gonna have to stare in the face forever. I want summer to come so I can spend time with my Spidey Man, he makes me happy. I love just hanging out with him, and our extracurricular activities. He makes me feel like I mean something to someone, and I need that.

Umm yeah so I'm crazy. But really is it too much to ask to spend tons of time with the person I'm gonna marry, like really.

self explanatory

2005-02-20T16:07:00.000-04:00

Ayo ladadayo
Ayo ladadayo ladeeda
Sometimes I give in to sadness
Sometimes I don't
Doo doo doo doo
At times I'm part of the madness
Sometimes I won't
Give in to you
You see in a way
I have been drifting down a river
To nowhere
And you've given me nothing
But if you're ready to be my everything
If you're ready to see it through this time
And if you're ready for love then
This I will bring
But I'm not gonna wait for you forever this time
Ladeeda ayo
ladadayo ladeeda
At times I feel myself smiling
At times I'm not
Doo doo doo doo
Yeah yay
What's with the guilt that you styling baby
Talk don't look good on you
You see in a way
I have been looking for a reason to go there
And you're leading me nowhere
And if you're ready to be my everything
If you're ready to see it through this time
And if you're ready for love then
This I will bring
But I'm not gonna wait for you forever this time
Ladeeda ayo
ladadayo ladeeda
Are you waiting for a special occasion
To give me your heart
Cause I need a little confirmation
To make a real start
Don't wait till it's too late
Are you ready to show me?
Are you ready to love me?
You see in a way
I have been drifting down a river
To nowhere
And you're giving me nothing
And if you're ready to be my everything
If you're ready to see it through this time
And if you're ready for love then
This I will bring
But I'm not gonna wait for you forever this time
And if you're ready to be
Ready to be my everything
And if you're ready to see it through this time
If you're ready for love then baby
This I will bring
But I'm not gonna wait forever this time
ladayo ladadayo ladeeda

Me

2005-02-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

So...this is what I look like.... ... I'm cute I swear, you just have to like squint at the screen!!!

So I have no Life

2005-02-19T15:31:00.000-04:00

today is...just another day

2005-02-19T13:05:00.000-04:00

Mood: monotone
Music: Watching Dirty Dancing
Icon of the Moment:

So I dunno what to even think about my life right now. I feel like i'm just standing around waiting for people to decide it for me. And I guess I kinda am, because thats easier then making my own decisions. How sad is that? I know. I'm a sad case. Grrr...

Anyway I got a new job yay for me.

suicide

2005-02-18T12:49:00.000-04:00

Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
Gender?
How will you commit suicide?	You will stab a knife through your heart
How many tries will it take?	84
When will you commit suicide?	January 4, 2018
What will your suicide note say?	Now there's simply one less heart left to break

Quiz created with MemeGen!

go back to sleep

2005-02-18T10:13:00.000-04:00

I just wanna fuckin' sleep is that too much to ask for. I don't wanna think about anything, like how i feel like i'm losing something that I never even had in the first place, how I don't wanna date other people but that four years along is a long damn time, and I just don't wanna think about it. I wanna go to souris this weekend and forget my problems, for at least one night, just one thats all I'm asking for. But you know what that probably won't happen. I just wanna forget for like 10 seconds that i may just have to move on from something that I have wanted for a long time.

I suck. I'm upset over something i never had, I'm upset over only hope.

Well I just hope he comes to Souris with me, cause I dunno, it would be nice to spend some time with him, or he can just go and think about things, whichever. I just want someone to tell me what to do and that can't happen.

I just want someone to tell me that they love me. That I like mean a lot to them and no matter what they want me in their life. So does anyone know where i can find someone like that, cause thats all i need. To be told i'm wanted i matter, and that i'm loved.

Hoped and Maybe Even Prayer

2005-02-16T09:16:00.000-04:00

I went to bed last night and cried. I cried because I am so uncertain of my future and I cried cause I'm uncertain of his, I think I might have even done a little praying that this all isn't true and that it'll end soon. But not just for me, but for him. He already thought his life was over and now this. I know it doesn't mean the end but he seems to think that and I know that he has sooooo much potential. He really does and he can't even see it right now.

I dunno maybe I'm a weirdo but I do feel bad for him, and I can't even begin to know how he feels and there is nothing I can do for him. Nothing. And I wish that there was. He really does mean so much to me, and I don't care if people know. Well they can't know a lot of stuff and I suppose most people know that I do like him without me saying it. I dunno. Life is so vague from this point on. But I do hope for his sake, that it's all a mistake.

I don't want him to leave I want him to stay here. I need him to stay here.

My Convo With Beckey

2005-02-16T00:05:00.000-04:00

"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: can u see me?
...life blows... says: sure....
...life blows... says: beckey i really like mitch
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: uh heh..
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: tell me somehting I didn't already know
...life blows... says: i don't know what to do about it
...life blows... says: i tried to pretend i don't but i do
...life blows... says: lol
...life blows... says: and i just i hate all of this crap, and things keep getting worse
...life blows... says: maybe i should move to the states for the summer
...life blows... says: i can be my cousins babysitter
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: geez slow doen I don;t read that fast
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: lol
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: yeah but that ain't gunna solve anything you said it yourself
...life blows... says: i know but things might be changing
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: everyone knows you like him so I don't understand why you pretend that you don't
...life blows... says: cause no one wants me to
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: we can't help who we like hell look at me
...life blows... says: cause it sucks
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: well it is real and you need to deal
...life blows... says: i know i really need to deal with it now
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: why the urgency?
...life blows... says: cause i need to figure out what i want
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: why cause him and Liz broke up?.. even if they did you said yourself that he has some prooving to do before you decide so there's no rush there
...life blows... says: no they didn't break up
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: so that's the only way I can see the importance in the rush... and why do you keep saying you don't know what you want when you do
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: you want Mitch , you and I both know that
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: so you really have nothing to figure out you just needs the guts to tell him what you want
...life blows... says: i think he knows what i want, but he doesn't know what he wants, and things are just complicated
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: it doesn't matter if he thinks he knows what you want.. you still have to tell him.. and he changes his mind every other day as to what he wants
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: you two just make them more complicated then they have to be
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: it's not that you need to figure out what you want it's how long are you willing to stand aside and suffer waiting for it?
...life blows... says: October 31st, 2009
...life blows... says: lol
...life blows... says: I don't think i can wait that long though but it's a nice wedding date
...life blows... says: i guess i do just need to figure out if i can wait it all out or not
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: but it's true that's the only question you have to answer
...life blows... says: but things are complicated for him, they really are he's not trying to hurt me i know he isn't, lol, he thinks you hate him so much but i don't think you do
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: if you told him tomorrow that you're not waiting anymore it would cause him to think quick about what he wants and it would be the same result as if you waited it out for like another 5 years and then did it
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: I keep saying I don't hate him it's what he does to you that I hate
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: as long as you wait he will do what he wants b/c there's no pressure
..life blows... says:but if you think about it, i'm doing it to myself he's not really doing anything to me
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: honey you could be waiting and feeling like this for the next 5 years
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: example
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: you take a piece of string and dangle it infront of oreo.. what does he do? he watches and waits to punce.. but if you move the string across the floor while dangling it.. he chases it and pounces... note to self he doesn't just sit there
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: and wait
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: for it to come to him
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: guys are alot more like cats then you think
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: lol
...life blows... says: lol
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: it's true though
...life blows... says: i don't wanna suffer, i just wanna know what he;s thinking, what is going through his mind
you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: well I feel like a broken record when I say this but...... you'd have to ask him and make him tell you none of this tip toe around it junk
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: tell him you need to know and that's that and if he doesn't tell you after persisting then walk away cause chances are for the rest of your life he never will
...life blows... says: yeah
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: see you torture yourself by not being persistent .. and don't even fight with me on that cause you do....
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: you need to place a balance somewhere or this will be it forever
...life blows... says: yeah but i am more so torturing myself because i let him do that
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: yup you are but you know that and you've known that since last year when we did this whole dance but you don't really do anything about it.. you started to and then backed off and look where it got you
..life blows... says: i just don't know
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says:you have to stop saying that cause you do know
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: you're just too chicken shit to do anythign about it
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: lol
...life blows... says: i do know i just don't have the guts to do anything about it, or say anything about it, but i don't even know if that matters now
you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: why wouldn't it matter now? no matter what his big news is... if he really does care about you as much as he says he does then it will always matter
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: remember that!
...life blows... says: and i think that he does care so i guess i have some things to think about
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: yup... I think that you should just tell him exactly how you feel and if you can't do it to his face.. which I know you can't.... then write a letter to him that says everything you want to say and give it to him
"you Love me but you don't know who I am" says: but you have to do something and soon b/c you will drive yourself insane
...life blows... says: yeah i know

So that was my convo with my friend beckey, she's red, I'm purple and although she doesn't really know whats going on that was her opinions and i am posting it here so i can look at it later and remind myself of some things. Although i think he knows how i feel and things are just way complicated now. But I do wanna wait for him, lol, and we are still getting married he can't back out of that one. I won't let him.

*huggles* mitch if you read this. i know you need tons right now. and I'm sorry i suck and am not much help. And seriously let me know and i can rearrange my weekend but you have to let me know soon. i'll love you know matter what, well most everything.

insert catchy title

2005-02-15T16:10:00.000-04:00

Mood: Oh yeah
Music: 3 Inches of Blood- Ride Darkhorse Ride
Icon of the Moment:

So I'm super bored today with nothing to do. So I was talking online last night and like I'm not even gonna get into it, nevermind. I don't have much to say I guess. Well I have lots of stuff to say but I, I just don't know.

I Suck

A Quicky

2005-02-14T11:22:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update that maybe I shouldn't write so much in here cause it getsme in trouble.

I need a reason

2005-02-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

Mood: meh
Music: no music on
Icon of the Moment:

I'm such a girl. I worry about the dumbest things and question myself daily. I was talking to Amanda and she feels the same way. That comforts me. We have always had this weird connection we never had to say it we just knew. Drawn together by our lack of sense of direction. She's the best. I miss her. She'll be home in the summer and she promised to visit me. We'll party together.

I don't wanna worry about stupid things that I have absolutely no right to worry about. Thats right I know it, I have no right to worry about it. I know this. I know that I am second. Therefore I have no rights.

So tonight i'm supposed to hang out with mitch, well I asked him to hang out. I hope we do but who knows he did say he thought he had something else to do. The girls are going out. Big party at Tara's this weekend instead of next. And since we are all single we can be together on Valentines Day. We have yet to figure out what is wrong with all of us. All single? How strange. Why am I single? Lol. What the heck is wrong with me? Am i like hideous, do i laugh weird, do i dress dumb, smell yucky? Something, anything, I need a reason.

You learn something new...

2005-02-11T21:57:00.000-04:00

So I'm the person that I never wanted to be. Does that make any sense to you? It makes perfect sense to me. I was just standing there talking to Chelsie and I seen him and my heart dropped into my shoe. Why? I have no right to feel that way. So why did i? Do I just need to go away and avoid all this hurt? Am i going to continue to be hurt forever? I just don't understand it nor do I want to feel like this anymore. Like it's an everyday thing, get up, pee, check computer, remind myself I'm second best and continue on with morning rituals. Yeah I know you think i'm being over dramatic, you think that I am blowing things out of proportion, you think i'm being too girly. And I am. I think about things that I would say if anything happens yet I don't want to ever have to use the words.

What is it that I have to do to get it through to myself? If you know comment on it.

Forever Changing

2005-02-11T14:15:00.000-04:00

Mood: depressed
Music: Green Day- Extraordinary Girl
Icon of the Moment:

So yup I changed my layout again. Cause I'm a freak and I have the need for change constantly.

Ever feel like you have to make all the effort just to see your friends. I do sometimes. And I think a little experiment is in order. We'll wait and see what happens. I can almost predict the outcome already. I dunno I just feel like I'm the only one making any effort and if i'm the only one making effort then do they really wanna see me or just see me cause I'm like bringing up the fact. I dunno, maybe I'm crazy.

So I am cleaning my house I started already. It's not that I hate cleaning I hate dishes. I dunno why, I'm so weird that way. I just hate doing dishes, well hate the thought. Once I start I'm fine. Go figure. But it will be clean and Mitch you better come see it when it is.

So I have applied for a few jobs and I have a couple more resumes and then hopefully a new or another job will come to my aid. I need money so badly. Then I can prepare to move out. Getting my own place is gonna be weird. I'm talking about moving in with Beckey but I don't know. It may or may not work or go through but thats fine. As long as I have enough money to pay my own bills I'll be ok.

And I'm gonna stop complaining to my friends. I can complain on here, but not to them. Cause i'm sure they don't wanna hear it so I'm just not going to tell them about it anymore. Everything is gonna be ok as far as they are concerned. At thats that. I need to change i guess and being happy Sylver to everyone has a lot less explaining things in it.

So I guess thats it. Oh yeah it you want me to keep that convo box you have to say things in it or they will delete my account, and I hate talking to myself on it.

I just...

2005-02-10T09:22:00.000-04:00

I just feel like crying today. I don't know why I just do. I'm so unhappy about everything in my life nothing is going anywhere remotely the direction i want it to. I just don't understand what I did for my life to be like this. I don't know what it is that I need but I need something. I need something solid. Something that is always going to be there no matter what. Something or Someone that is there when i need them most or even when I don't need them most. Just someone to stop by and say hi and give me a hug cause I'll probably need it. I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. I'm just sick of my life in it's entirety.

But anyway this is short cause i'm off to the hell hole most call work.

I just want some love is that too much to ask for.

so lets see

2005-02-09T19:18:00.000-04:00

So today was an absolutely shitty day. Like everything poured down on me with no mercy and now I have no food and no money but I have the internet. This sucks. I don't know what to do. I don't understand why things are so shitty I must have been a really bad person in my previous life.

Jenna tells me I'm moving to Halifax, Beckey tells me I'm moving to Edmonton, no Calgary, no New York or Boston...ok so she isn't sure but definitally moving. I want to but I don't want to. Does that make any sense at all? I mean sure I would like to move away but there are things here I don't want to leave.

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow. 10-5 is a horrible shift and i'm on cash 6. the cash from hell the cash that I "don't do enough" at. I'm sorry but I can only pretend to be busy for so long, and then I before bored with facing the same old shit time and time again. I dunno retail is not for me. Anything were I'm not allowed to be creative is not for me. It really sucks. And whats even worse I have to get another retail job, yes thats right another one because I can't live on what I'm making at Shoppers. Oh the inhumanity of it all. I know I know I shouldn't complain things could be worse but for right now they are pretty worse. Plus I'm sure Doug is gonna be all mad at me because I screwed up those shifts. He already doesn't like me and when I called to apologize he said ok. Yup thats right just ok. He had nothing else to say not a don't do it again, not a thats ok shit happens nothing. just ok.

I just wanna be happy. Is that really such a demand?

There is a party on the 19th, yes I recieved the email. I know I know. If I don't go out I will never be spoken to again, blah blah blah. I can't afford it quite frankly. I have things to pay. Money to save. Pets to feed.

So I dunno maybe I should just give in. Eventually no one would even notice i was around in the first place.

grrrrrr

2005-02-02T15:40:00.000-04:00

ok so i made a post and it didn't post and now i'm mad so i will post again later

So...

2005-02-02T15:21:00.000-04:00

Mood: happy, for once, well semi-happy
Music: Nothing...are you shocked?
Icon of the Moment:

hehe my icon is cute. Anyways. So I haven't written in a little while, but really not much is going on. I can't wait for Sunday. It's the Super Bowl, that means food and drinking, well maybe drinking depends on whether or not Mitch works on Monday, and my luck he does, but thats ok, as long as I get to go out there. It's a tradition you know. A whole one year tradition, but tradition none-the -less.

So i had a very....interesting night to say the least. But i could definitally get used to my Spiderman being around more.

Blah I don't have too much to say. I'll probably update later.

so what the hell is gonna happen now?

2005-01-30T22:40:00.000-04:00

Mood: sleepily confused
Music: Sara and Tegan- Where does the good go?
Icon of the Moment:

where do you go with your broken heart in tow
what do you do with the left over you
and how do you know, when to let go
where does the good go, where does the good go
look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen
it's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
where does the good go
where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
where does the good go, where does the good go

So she leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow. What does that mean for me? I have no idea because I haven't been able to really talk to him. He's been occupied. And when I talked to him he wasn't feeling good so.

I dunno. I'm expected to be at the sleepover tomorrow but I dunno it will make mitch uncomfortable, but I dunno if andrew is going, but I mean if mitch wants to hang out with me i'd rather do that, so we'll see what happens. I wanna write more but I can't think right now.

I kinda feel upset for no reason at all. I think. Maybe not but i don't wanna get into it.

meh

2005-01-28T13:43:00.000-04:00

yeah totally feeling rejected today, dunno why cause i was the one doing the rejecting. I was just thinking about some happy things, and now i'm sad. I guess thats just the way the cookie crumbles

yup

2005-01-27T18:42:00.000-04:00

so yeah i've talked to him for a couple of days now, i definitally couldn't date him. He's very....different. Definitally not into him. Lol. But we can be friends thats cool. I'm sure there will be at least one person happy to hear me say that.

So like totally nothing going on tonight. Mitch didn't message me back, unless he's like still at the bank, which i'm doubting.

Oh well not much i can do.

So thats the update, lol.

fetish??? mmmmmm....fetish...lol

2005-01-27T16:30:00.000-04:00

Mood: sleepy...for no reason
Music: Green Day- What Me Up When Septmeber Ends
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot:

So like nothing is going on. I haven't done anything all day, lol. Although there are talks of sleepovers and whatnot but I don't think until Monday Night. Wow I have nothing to type. I'm gonna try this again later

Dollar shots, 3 dollar drinks and 5 dollar cover oh my!

2005-01-25T13:24:00.000-04:00

Mood: cheerful, for some odd reason
Music: Autobiography- Ashlee Simpson (cause sometimes i have to be girly)
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot:

I need some sleep.
You can't go on like this.
I try counting sheep,
But there's one I always miss.

Everyone says, "I'm getting down too low"
Everyone says, "You just gotta let it go"
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
and the wheels keep spinning round

Everyone says, "I'm getting down too low"
Everyone says, "You just gotta let it go"
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep- Eels

Yeah so the song pretains to somethings in my life i think i need to just let some of it go. I dunno what I'm even talking about. i don't know what I want. i just know that I am complicating things more. And like I feel like i don't really matter to some of the people that matter to me most. I mean i just feel that way, I'm sure, well i hope it's not really that way. I dunno. If you wanna talk to me, contact me. I guess thats my best advice. I work 4:30 -9 tonight and then I dunno what I'm doing but I'm sure as hell not hanging around this house so whatever comes up i'm all for it.

Rita called me again. It's so weird cause I thought she hated me and now she's all up for partying and whatnot. She want's to go out for lady's night tomorrow, because as Beckey informed me "wednesday is the new thursday". Dollar shots, 3 dollar drinks and 5 dollar cover plus three free drink tickets... Umm wow. I think that would be dangerous for me. I love shots. I if you wanna buy me one I will drink it, like no matter how loaded I already am. Lol. Although I am making myself sound really bad I'm not that bad. But I usually don't turn downa shot. We'll see what happens. I have to save money for the movies on sunday, and maybe dinner with Beckey, I mean it is OUR anniversay. And like i'm sure everyone will be going out this weekend so money, money, money. Grrr... Why can't I like just fall into some money? Where is this rich guy? Maybe I can use him for his money for awhile. I will try the Beckey's theory of men for awhile, cause mine sure as hell isn't getting me anywhere but hurt. Sorry it's the truth.

Speaking of being hurt. So what happens once Sunday comes. She leaves and where does that leave me and you? I'm sorry you probably don't wanna talk about it, and I'm just typing it on here, lol. I know that you probably don't know, but I need to have some idea. I dunno. I just dunno what I want. Maybe you don't even really want me anyway and you will realize that. I dunno.

Moving on because that is going to get me no where. I feel like I have talked on the phone more since Sunday then I have since I was like 13. So like wow. No one ever calls me. Guess I'm not important until it storms, lol.

My work shirt smells like boys... I like it! I love the smell of cologne. No idea why but I know so do like all other girls so. I'm not weird. Yay me.

So I was talking to Tiffany and she didn't really seem interested in seeing me so like yeah guess if this trip to Moncton goes through I won't have to make a special trip there. So yeah. So unloved. Well maybe. Don't even ask me to explain cause I'm not going to.

I shovelled through the giant snowbank infront of my house. I like ran outta room for the snow and like the snow bank is taller then me. We need some freakishly warm weather to like melt the snow cause this is ridiculous. If it storms again I'm screwed. I started to shovel the end of the driveway but like I gave up halfway through. Hehe. I'm a loser.

Anyway I'm just rambling cause I'm bored.

feelin' like a criminal..

2005-01-24T11:29:00.000-04:00

Mood: confused
Music: Seether w/ Amy Lee- Borken
Icon of the Moment:

Seether - Broken Lyrics
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I’m broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like i am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonsome
And i don't feel rite when your gone away

You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I’m broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You're gone away; You don't feel me here anymore.

Cause I like it? I dunno I just wanted to post the lyrics.

God life gets more and more confusing, what am i doing? I don't even know anymore. Mitch was grumpy when i was talking to him yesterday but I'm assuming that he went to Liz's cause he never signed back on, or he didn't wanna talk to me either or, lol. But whatever. Living here alone sucks but I was on the phone like all night and talking on msn and watching tv and listening to music all at the same time so like i had some human interaction. I dunno I feel like I am doing someting bad by making friends with someone.

Life sucks and isn't fair and thats all i have to say.

yeah

2005-01-23T02:50:00.000-04:00

i can't stop thinking about you, i want you here right now so much. I need to talk to you, i heard something not so cool. Yeah like Mike told me somethin gthat made me wanna cry but i don't really believe him cause idon't think you are lying to me

My Spideyman and Me

2005-01-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

Mood: sad...but only cause i miss you
Music: Vermillion- Slipknot
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot: beep.beep.

So I got to go eat with my Spideyman. Lol. I do miss him a lot, it was really nice to see him. Lol. 9 more days... Not that I expect to see him like way more, it just won't be so hard on him to just see me.

I'm so torn about tonight. I really don't wanna go out drinking and then work 11-4 but I guess I stayed up later then that and went to worl for 10 so time doesn't really matter. And I kinda feel guilty about it. I mean I want to hang out with my friends and stuff but I don't wanna make Mitch uneasy. On the other hand he is going to be with his girlfriend so.... I guess it's not that bad. So I bought some cute new earrings and I'm gonna wear my boob shirt and go and have fun with my friends and not think about how I just wanna be snuggled on my couch watching him play xbox. Yeah I know I'm a geek. So I guess it's drinking and meeting all these people that i don't know, lol.

So Like yeah, no idea what I'm even talking about I'm stupid.

I remembered a title!!! Although not that interesting I remembered!

2005-01-20T10:52:00.000-04:00

Mood: and i put up with this why?
Music: I Know, I Know, I Know- Tegan and Sara
Icon of the Moment: how morbid of me
Mascot: *smooch*

where do you go with your broken heart in tow
what do you do with the left over you
and how do you know, when to let go
where does the good go, where does the good go
look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen
it's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
where does the good go
where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
how do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
what do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
where does the good go, where does the good go

Tegan and Sara- Where does the good go?

I just liked the song, no real particular meaning. Well I'm sure it has meaning but there is no reason i posted it. Anyway moving away from my stupidness.

I figure I should make a regular post not dedicated to my best friend in the whole world, lol. But I honestly don't have much to say. So I think this whole storm thing is all hype because everyone is all over prepared for it except me. If I get snowed in I'm going to starve to death. But I suppose I have a lot of fat to go through first so I might be ok.

So yeah superbowl, lol, I like watching it cause the commercials are funny, and my mom makes all kinds of yummy food.

Food. Food. Food. thats all i talk about grrr.... I need to not talk about it, then i won't eat it and then i will be amazing for ozzfest. Speaking of which i did a survey for.... The better annouce the tour dates soon or I might have to freak out. I am so excitied about it. And like we are gonna go to Sebego Lake too and oh Yay, lol. I'm a geek but a happy geek.

Anyway I see no snow yet. Where are you snow? How about you come tomorrow? Although I don't wanna miss work... I do all at the same time.

Ok i'll stop boring you.

To Spiderman

2005-01-20T10:51:00.000-04:00

Mood: oh boy!
Music: Billy Liar- The Decemeberists
Icon of the Moment:

This Entry is to Spiderman:

So I just woke up and I immediately thought I should tell you my dream. You were the first person that came to my mind. I wanted to share my insanely weird dream with you. I always want to share everything with you. I know that you feel as you life is really fucked up right now and I know that I probably am not seeing it the way that you are seeing it but you can have a fresh start whenever you want, and you don't just have to move away from everyone. But no matter what you decided i will ALWAYS be there for you no matter what. I know that we have a really confusing relationship and I am confused just as much as you are, trust me. And I know that it probably puts a lot of stress on you, but like you said in my tag board, I don't do it because I have to, but not because I don't want to and not because I feel it's work. I do care for you very much Mitch and I hope that you know that. And I can't imagine my life without you. Everytime I see myself moving I couldn't do it unless you came with me. You are a great friend, and even more then that. You make me smile and feel so special.

So I want you to cheer up and smile and think of me often because I am definitally thinking about you. And you can always talk to me about anything.

xoxo
Your Smooshie
xWickedKittiex aka Sylver

I keep forgetting to put a title

2005-01-19T13:39:00.000-04:00

Mood: I'm doing ok today, for now
Music: Get Free- The Vines
Icon of the Moment :

Ok so there has been this guy that i have been talking to for a little while, anyway he's from Ontario and kinda...interesting... Anyway so he meets a girl on plentyoffish.com on Saturday. He has met many people online and he's always upset when it doesn't turn out. Anyway so Satruday he meets a 21 year old girl. She's in school for child care, sounded nice. They are moving in together in March and getting married in September, and he wants me to go to the Wedding... Umm.. Hello, does this not seem a little strange to you. Like that is so weird that he met and "fell in love with" this chick, and same goes out to her too. This is why people get divorced. Lol. Well not really but still. How much will they really know each other by September. I have been talking to him for almost that long and I don't feel that I know him that well. Well I know enough to think he's a little on the weird side but still. I dunno it blows my mind. Maybe I'm just stupid but like I wanna a marriage that lasts forever. I want someone who loves me and will work at it because there is no way that it is easy. And I don't wanna meet that person on the internet.

Lol. Ok I'm done ranting about that now. It just seems so crazy that someone could throw around the words love so much. Very few people have ever heard me utter those words. Very few.

So anyway I have to go and clean my house because I have a birthday surprize for a friend of mine for and my house needs to be clean. What I would really like to do is get Denver in to hang out with him, but Liz would wanna come and I don't wanna do that. So some other time i guess.

Romantic Getaway

2005-01-18T14:25:00.000-04:00

Ok so with little time to spare I made a rash decision and deleted the offending posts, lol. I dunno I just decided that I didn't want anyone to see them. They were kinda an over thought on my part and i didn't want that to have any value on what people think of me.

So anyway. They are gone now and most of my last post makes absolutely no sense whats so ever but I don't even care.

My mother informs me that another storm is coming on thrusday, but mostly just lots of wind, so thats a good thing right, that means i won't be trapped in my house. Or maybe I will try and get trapped at beckeys or something. Then we can be stupid all day, together. Instead of over the internet.

So yeah I work Saturday night and Sunday morning, well not until 11 but still. Do i really wanna go out get trashed and then have to work. No. So we will see what happens. But staying home alone is NOT and option so if i have to go out i will. In the name of my sanity. Maybe I will hang out with Marijka. She like broke my heart the other day. Or I can plan my romantic getaway with Beckey, lol. Apparently The Rodd would be the best place to stay at, it's close to the bars and whatnot. I stayed at it before so I know what it's like. And it's 82.00 for the weekend. So like 41.00 each. I guess thats not too bad. Then we just need liquor and cover.

So I like my new layout. Kinda the same as the old one only different. It's cute. I like my calendar even if it only works when it wants to, it looks pretty now.

Ok enough rambling.

Sorry About the Truthfulness

2005-01-18T13:13:00.000-04:00

Mood: sleepy
Music: Basket Case- Green Day
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot: Stevie just wants some love, i need to find him a girlfriend.

Well I've had time to sleepy away the insanity that was consuming me last night. And that is why I should not live alone... Or in a winter climate I haven't decided yet. I mean I feel all those things sometimes but I sound dumb saying them now. Kinda. I mean they are my feelings but I was defintailly over analyizing and shouldn't have wrote it.

Oh an dfor a little update I did finially get my slushie. It was green. But the powder was Orange. How unique huh. And half frozen ice. Yes half frozen.

I have to shovel my driveway again... I mean it's not as bad is it was last night but I still have to shovel it again. Blah! That makes me angry. But oh well I need all the exercise i can get. When winter is over I'm not going to be bigger then I am now.Lol. As much as all i want to do is eat.

Anyway I miss you Spiderman I.. I dunno.

so what does this all mean?

2005-01-17T01:04:00.000-04:00

Mood: meh
Music: Tegan and Sara- Walking with a Ghost
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot: His name shall be...... Stevie!!

So I had like an awesome weekend, yet an equally confusing one. lol. I was sooo drunk. And like I had so much fun. But now I come out of it confused. My mom was being crazy. She made Spiderman promise to marry me, lol. But I will let him out of that when he realizes what he promised. lol.

I am like tired but not, warm but cold. I am just unsatisfied with everything right now. I want to move but I don't want to because I don't wanna go anywhere without Spiderman. Cause like that would be really hard. Plus like I would miss my other friends too, but it would be really hard not to see him as much as i do. Although I have a feeling i won't be seeing him too much anymore because his girlfriend is like pissed off about him hanging out with me.

Grr life is just way too complicated right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I mean I know what I want. Or at least I think I know. I just don't know how to get there.

i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me....

2005-01-13T10:19:00.000-04:00

Mood: meh
Music: Black Label Society- Spoke in the Wheel
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot: Look at his he's still so cute, and nameless... It's my new mission to name him.

"Runaway"

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
I'm not alone, tell me you feel it too

And I would run away
I would run away, yeah..., yeah
I would run away
I would run away with you

Cause I am falling in love with you
No never I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you

Close the door, lay down upon the floor
And by candlelight, make love to me through the night
(through the night, through the night...)

Cause I have run away
I have run away, yeah..., yeah
I have run away, run away
I have run away with you

Cause I am falling in love (falling in love) with you
No never I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you...
With you...

And I would runaway
I would runaway, yeah..., yeah
I would runaway (runaway)
I would runaway with you

Cause I am falling in love (falling in love) with you
No never I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you...

Falling in love (falling in love) with you
No never I'm never gonna stop falling in love with you

With you, my love, with you...
na ni na ni na na...
(With you, with you, with you, with you)

[Fade out]

I like the words of this song. I like the meaning. Sometimes it's how I feel.

I don't know why everything feels so far out of my reach i just like don't understand. Sometimes I am so happy and I can pretend that everything is going so well, that if I wait just a little bit longer it will all be worth my while. And then other times I wanna give up so bad and just runaway from everything. Maybe I'm just being a huge loser about this entire situation but I'm sorry sometimes I feel like it is so unfair to me. I can't help but be selfish about it.

Hopefully I will be able to escape this weekend, one way or another.

oblivious to the way I feel

2005-01-12T14:04:00.000-04:00

Mood: depressed
Music: You Get Me- Michelle Branch
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot: he needs a name any suggestions? Leave it in the Tag Board if you have some

I feel as if I'm not enough and will never be enough for anyone. I'm not even enough for myself. I just can't seem to get anything right. I am so beyond help. I want to be beautiful, even if it's just to myself. I do have a plan now though. I will be beautiful. I will look amazing for ozzfest and even after that. I will look so much better then I do now or ever have. I just don't understand, why am I so unhappy? What will even make me happy? Does anyone out there know because i sure as hell don't. But seriously like I will look good by oh like next couple of months, and I'm gonna have to buy all new clothes because mine won't fit and all that shit. I will be skinny. Alright, I know i'm sounding like I will be starving myself but I won't be. I'm not going to have some sort of eating disorder or anything like that, I just have a plan on how to become better looking i guess. I don't even know how to say it cause i don't think I am good looking now, but like I will look good. And then we will see how my life goes.

Anyway so I'm a basket case and should not be out driking with anyone on the weekend. Although I still don't know my plans because it is Spiderman's birthday and I want him to have a good birthday and like if he wants to go to my parents house thats cool with me. I'm in a weird mood and he's probably like sick of me right now though so if he even wants to see me for his birthday. I'm sure liz will wanna spend all of his birthday with him anyway so like I will probably have to wait.

So i think i scare my mom. Just cause sometimes i have weird names on msn and whatnot. I think that she's afraid I'm like gonna kill myself or something. Maybe she's right to be scared, but I'm not going to be dieing anytime soon. Not as of yet anyway. She thinks I need to move. I need to get out and away from everything that is making me unhappy. What she doesn't understand is that moving isn't going to help. It'll follow me forever.

Wow I sound so stupid. Why can't I just be normal? I wanna be normal ok. Maybe I should dye my hair back to a normal color and like continue on fading back into the background because that is where i would like to be right now. I don't want anyone to notice me. I'm too hideous to be noticed anyway so I guess I really shouldn't worry about it so much. NO one's gonna notice or want me anyway.

I'm pathetic.

Dancing in the Moonlight

2005-01-12T01:12:00.000-04:00

So I don't wanna be a jealous freak but right now I'm feeling it. I feel like stamping down my foot and doing a sooky little protest because I'm jealous. Thats right I'm jealous. It's not fair that everyone gets to be in their happy little relationships. And it's not fair that even people that don't wanna be in a relationship is in one. I just want someone that wants me. It's not fair and I'm going to rant on about it. I hate doing this but like I can't help but feel a little crack in my heart everytime i go to bed all alone knowing the person that I want to be here is snuggleing into bed with his girlfriend. UNFAIR!!! It's just unfair. And it makes me cry and be girly and I don't wanna do that. Nothing pisses me off more then crying over it. I don't wanna cry anymore it's stupid they are wasted tears because no matter how much I cry it's not going to make him come over here and see me. As much as I try to be ok with it I'm not and I'm sorry I'm just having a little break down i will be fine in the morning. I don't even know what fine is anymore but I'm sure I will be it in the morning.

Alright there it's off my chest. Can I please just forget about it now? Please, Please, Please?

I'm having a little regression and listening to and old song.

We get it on most every night
When that moon is big and bright
Its a supernatural delight
Everybodys dancing in the moonlight

We get
Everybody here is out of sight
They don?t bark and they don?t bite
They keep things loose they keep it tight
Everybodys dancing in the moonlight

Dancing in the moonlight
Everybodys feeling warm and bright
Its such a fine and natural sight
Everybodys dancing in the moonlight

We like our fun and we never fight
You cant dance and stay uptight
Its a supernatural delight
Everybody was dancing in the moonlight

Dancing in the moonlight
Everybodys feeling warm and bright
Its such a fine and natural sight
Everybodys dancing in the moonlight

We get in on most every night
And when that moon is big and bright
Its a supernatural delight
Everybodys dancing in the moonlight

Dancing in the moonlight
Everybodys feeling warm and bright
Its such a fine and natural sight
Everybodys dancing in the moonlight

Repeat and fade

I heard it on a movie and now I'm singing it in my head.

I'm done.

all about you

2005-01-11T18:50:00.000-04:00

OK look, I feel bad about today so a whole entry dedicated to you. An entire entry oh my!... Usually there is other crap stuff in here and there, I guess kinda like this is so i'm gonna stop rambling and start.
You are my best friend. No one compares to you, and no one ever will. You know so much about me and I feel like I know you pretty well. We can sit around on a couch and be happy. Being around you makes me feel special. No matter how much I deny that i don't think I'm cute and I hate being smooshied. I wouldn't give any of it up. I know things are really complicated and that they are just as complicated for you as they are for me and I'm sorry that sometimes I am selfish about it but I can't help it. Sometimes no matter how hard I try it is really hard to see your side.
But I would like to take for granted every moment that we spend together because that is another moment that I get to know you just a little bit better. Everything happens for a reason and really I just want you to be happy.
So many *huggles* to you and I hope that you don't think that I am too weird, lol. Cause I am starting to think that there is no denying it.
And even if Eddie starts to ignore you I will be there for you. Always.

Yeah figures....

2005-01-11T14:13:00.000-04:00

Mood: bored
Music: Calling You- Blue October
Icon of the Moment:
Mascot: (isn't he cute!!)

So yeah life is well confusing... So confusing. I dunno what the hell is going on most the time but oh well. There are some things that I do know so that is what I have to keep going on with. Like I do know that no matter what happens or what people say Spiderman always makes me happy. I really like spending time with him. (Hi Eddie!) I just dunno it's like a comfortable feeling but not like boring comfortable, I dunno does that make any sense.

Grr boys make me angry. I didn't even think i was saying something wrong, i'm sorry that you got upset but like seriously, i didn't mean it the way you took it. But anyway you talk about me and someone else all the time. Besides just you know.

Now I'm all upset over something I didn't even mean to do.

I'm the one that feels like I'm not enough. I feel so second best, and I'm sorry I don't think before i speak. I will think about it more. I don't wanna upset you. I really don't. You mean a lot to me.

I dunno why I am up so early...

2005-01-06T08:43:00.000-04:00

So I can't sleep and I don't wanna be awake this early I work at 10:30 I was hopeing to sleep in a little more then 8:30 but I guess there isn't really much I can do about it except complain in my little online bloggy.

So I was out with Beckey and Karyn last night. Apparently everyone HAS to hook up this weekend, and that is the goal for the entire night. To take some or go home with some random guy and have your way with him and then send him on his merry way....Depending on how well it goes. Lol. My friends are nuts. And considering now that Beckey has a boyfriend and so does Karyn kinda I am thinking that it's not going to happen. I don't even know what I am doing this weekend I could be like in Souris, I could be in town. I just know that if I'm not in souris i will not be sitting around this house by myself. I will probably go out. I won't be bringing anyone home no matter how hard people are shoving them at me.

What else is going on? I feel like I am in such a mixed up place. I am so confused about things and like all I really want is for everyone to end up happy. I just wanna be like happy. Why is that such a hard request? I dunno maybe it's all just not meant to be and I'm trying to force it. I dunno. Grrr... Well I guess I need to shower now. Stupid life and it's stupid plan for me.

2005-01-05T09:12:00.000-04:00

Ok back to the ol' layout. The Christmas one was making me sick. All happy and stuff.... Ewww...lol... I feel like being all depressed and unhappy... Kinda...I guess more like sarcastic.

I had a weird dream. This guy Chris I used to work with was in it, and Mitch and Beckey and Karyn, it was weird. Very weird. Anyway.

I hate being a jealous person. I would love to let things just roll off my back, but I can't. I dwell on them. And really right now I'm just jealous of Liz. She can see him anytime she wants, she can snugglehim whenever, she can just sit with him and be happy and I can't. It's not fair I tell you. It's so hard especially when we can go to my parents for the weekend and at least I can pretend that everything is as it should be. I dunno if he's doing the same, but like well. I can forget about her, and just focas on him. And normally I have a really hard time doing that.

I'm half excited to go to Ozzfest cause I want to and half excited to go because I will have him all to myself...Well somewhat. Lol. I'm sure Dylan will be lurking in the shadows if we aren't doing anything. Lol. Leader of Spidermans international fan base. Lol. Ok I'm being stupid now.

So yeah me jealous, not good. Oh well at least I'm not like off the handle crazy jealous.

And moving on.

I'm going to get ready for work now.

xoxo

2005-01-04T19:27:00.000-04:00

*cry* i just made a long post and it didn't post

Just a stupid person

2005-01-04T09:56:00.000-04:00

So I changed the layout, but I'm still at my parents house so it's kinda unfinished for now, but I will be heading into town soon so I will work on it from there.

I am like such the basket case. I am the only person I know that censors what they are writing in thier diary. It's supposed to be my own thoughts and feelings and I can't even write that down. How crazy is that? Well I suppose it's just kinda me because I can't even tell peopl ewhat I am really thinking when I'm thinking it for fear they will laugh or get mad or whatever it is I might be saying. Why am I like that? Like honestly there are lots of things I would like to say. I wrote a whole bunch of stuff before this but I was like nope too personal. Too personal? It's MY diary.... I can change the password and not let anyone see it simple as that. But no instead I don't get everything out... I keep it all in and let it balloon inside me until I freak out about little things.

Anyway I need to get stuff ready i want to leave.

so it's 2005

2005-01-03T01:40:00.000-04:00

Well I had like a really good new year. I had fun just doing nothing, like hanging out with my spiderman. It was really nice, i really miss doing that kinda stuff with him. He just makes me happy to be around him. I hate losing that so much. And like it's gonna be really weird sleeping by myself. I like waking up and he's there. It just feels good. I dunno I'm not trying to sound like obsessed or anything but like when i dropped him off tonight I like totally didn't want to i was like kinda sad he had to go and like I have seen him everyday since i got home you think i would have my fill:P but i didn't I wanted to see him more. Anyway he reads this and now he thinks I'm a freak so....

I really don't wanna go to work tomorrow. I'm so conflicted. Grr.. I stress myself out way too much but I am feeling kinda shitty. My throat's sore *cough**cough* i wonder how that happened. I sure it has nothing to do with the company I was keeping this weekend.

Anyway I'm tired and confused.

In New Hampshire

2004-12-26T17:07:00.000-04:00

Well Christmas is all said and done with but I can't change my layout until i get back home cause well it's on my computer there not on the computer here! I had a lovely dip in the hot tub yesterday...Lol... Not really a whole lot has happened. Plus I'm not really in the mood to be typing I'm just checking my mail and thought i should update so it's not soooo boring. I am going shopping tomorrow and to spends lots o money... On myself I know how thoughtful of me. I don't even know what to write. I miss everyone, except working but I will really miss working when i get a really shitty check. Anyway. I guess I will go I was hopeing Spiderman would be online but he must be out.

Rewind and tape over

2004-12-18T23:03:00.000-04:00

I wanna go back. I wanna rewind three years. I wanna do things differently make myself into someone other then the person that I have become. I wanna become someone with direction, drive and purpose. I want to do so much differently. Unreveal so many secrets. Tell everyone truths. I can't though. I'm stuck in the life that I have created for myself. I have made my bed and now I have to lay in it. I have so much I have to look in the face and make a decision about. I can't put it off forever. This goes for everything in my life. Job, money, relationships, all that you know and all that you don't. Oh wow so many things, so many feelings.

I leave soon. But i won't escape it. I'll think about everything every day and every night and cry by myself when it's time for bed. God i pathetic.

Goodbye....

Grrr

2004-12-17T13:53:00.000-04:00

Today's a lonely day. I was painting...I hate the picture.... I dunno what I'm going to do with it. I work 4-11 tonight. What a long shitty shift. How do I get this crap? I want nothing more then to be at grams sitting on the couch by the fireplace. Complaining about being too hot, lol. Or in Auntie Brenda's hot tub. Or to go back in time and snuggle with Spiderman. But none of that is going to happen anytime soon.

New Years is gonna be a house party who wants to be my date and get the midnight kiss, lol.... yeah i know keep dreaming cause it's never going to happen.

I really do hate where my life is. I hope it's going somewhere better. I hate the fact that I am giving up. But I am. I'm surrendering. I have just been fighting for everything for way too long. Blah I dunno what is even going on. I suck. Everything sucks. Grrr.

someone tell me please

2004-12-14T11:38:00.000-04:00

Beckey and I talked about our weddings, lol. We're weird cause she's dating a guy she can't see herself marrying and I'm not dating anyone. And we like talked about kids names and that I like the name Violet but I will spell it Vyolette, because I'm weird like that. Vyolette Raine Whatever. Lol. I suppose I could keep my own last name. Although it's so plain and I hate it.

Bah I'm so alone. Lol. I know I know thats all i complain about. I just want someone to share stuff with and like I dunno apperciate the little things. Instead of watching everyone else cuddle, i'd like a little of that.

Any question of what to get me for christmas?

I am so not gonna get it, but I can keep plugging for it. I want it so badly, lol. I'm a geek.

I work 3-8, crappy shift but not as long as yesterday. Someone come shopping with me...actually I just need a car, tee hee. And some company I don't wanna be the loser shopping alone. I need to buy paints I have a special project in mind for someone. I'm off at 8 walmart doesn't close until 10..... Any takers?

I dunno what I'm doing?....what do I want?

2004-12-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

So Beckey and I are going to adopt Chinese kids from Japan and live in a tin trailor in Alabama.... Yeah ok so we are weird. We were just having fun like we used to. Driving around looking at Christmas lights and being silly. Just like old times it was great. We got to vent and like forget about all the crappy things/talk about them, and like just generally be happy. I know I know I get over things way to easily but still we are friends, and I have forgiven people for way worse.

Just Get Over It!

2004-12-13T10:07:00.000-04:00

Ever just wake up and you're in like a mood? Like any kinda of mood? I woke up today in a blah mood. Like completely don't wanna go to work, don't wanna see people, I just wanna cuddle back up into my bed and wake up tomorrow. But I can't. I work 12-8...12-8 what a crappy shift. It's like you're there the whole day, but not... Yay you're off an hour earlier the everyone else. Yippie.

I hate how everyone can tell how I';m feeling even by just talking to me on the internet. Mom talked to me for like five minutes and was like, something doesn't seem right are you ok. I'm way too emotional I guess. I need to shut down a little more. Tell people less. I didn't tell her anything but she knew. I will have to make more effort to seem happy all the time.

I don't know how i'm getting home. I hurt. My back hurts. My shirt was sparkley the other night and I lost sparkles everywhere, and now oreo is sparklely.

Speaking of the other night it wasn't really very fun. It really wasn't. I mean I didn't not have fun but I could of had way more. I just didn't. I am like always holding back now. Unhappy thoughts way down my happiness. I was doing good about not thinking about him. Then I saw Julie. That made me think about him. Then that made me wish i was home, but even if i was would I have even seen him anyway? I'm thinking no. Just because I dunno things never work out for me. I was really hopeing to go to Souris yesterday, maybe i should have bugged other people to take me. Maybe I should just ask other people in the first place. Why can't I just give up? Do I really wanna keep putting myself through all of this? I just don't even understand it anymore. I just want him to be happy, and if he's happy with someone else then I need to get over it.

And on the same hand, i can't wait for it to be me and him in Maine, for Ozzfest. Like just having fun and what not, but it won't be the same. Especially not if she's still in the picture. It won't be the same. He can sleep on the futon I will sleep on the couch. Or he can sleep in the spare room, I'll sleep on the Air Mattress. I don't want it to be that way, but maybe it'll just have to be. And I hope that things are still not like this by then. I said I didn't wanna wait through this relationship and I mean it. I don't want it to be august and me still in the same mind set as I am now. Thats nine more months of feeling like this and there is no way that I can do that. Everytime I say that I feel like I am trying to end something I don't want to end, but some day I'm going to have to give up. It can't be like this forever. I can't be like this forever. It's making me a basket case.

I want to go back to the very beginning and start over again. There are some things I would like to change. Lots of things I would change. Starting with I never would have liked Shane. Boy that was a huge mistake.

I'm too forgiving. It doesn't matter how shitty you make me feel I can get over it no problem. But I'm working on not being that way.

I don't wanna hate myself so much. I want to be beautiful. I wanna just be cute even. I want people to think wow she's pretty. I just need to lose like a person of weight. I don't wanna be super super skinny but I wanna be skinny. Like perfect. I wanna be perfect is that too hard to ask for. I hate just like looking at my self in disgust and pretending that I don't mind. It's not that big of a deal. I hate knowing that I look bad and just brushing it off. I know I know these seem like the words of a person with a soon to be eating disorder huh? Don't worry I won't throw it all up, and like starve myself. I just wanna eat, but still look good. Is that like way too much to ask or what? Like everything going on around me isn't helping it either. I mean me feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone really makes me think it's just cause who would actually wanna be seen with me? In all honesty who would? Not anyone I know.

So damn unhappy

2004-12-12T23:57:00.000-04:00

I am so confused. I have such mixed feelings about everything and I definitally feel like I can't talk about it. I need to talk about things because I make them into something they are not in my own head. But i can't talk to anyone about it. I have to deal with it all by myself. I don't want to. I think about him every day. I just, sometimes I don't wanna have to deal with all this. I'm so over emotional and alone. What do I want? Who do I even want it with? I don't even know anymore. I'm like on the edge of wanting and not wanting. Why am I the one stuck... I'm the one alone. And I can't even talk about it.

I am excited about going to Maine....in a way...in another way I'm not. I hope Eeve can clear some things up for me. Even if what she tells me doesn't come true, I just want some peace in my life. I don't wanna have to be so damn unhappy.

Just Forget Me

2004-12-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

Yeah so I'm sooooo forgettable...

"So what happened to breakfast?"
"Oh yeah, we went I forgot about you.."
"Who went?"
"We all did."
"Oh"

yeah i'm just so damn happy to be me.....

goodbye

nothing creative to put here

2004-12-09T13:02:00.000-04:00

So does anyone have a time machine cause I would like to go back in time right now. Life continues to get more confusing. But make more sense all at once. I dunno. Maybe Eeve will be able to shed some light on my life for me. What should I do?

So much is rushing around in my head right now. And really the only thing i keep coming back to is Spiderman. I miss him. I woke up this morning and wanted him to be here so badly. I like keep thinking about how happy he does make me even though things are so messed up right now.

Grrr.... What the hell is going on?

I work 4:30-9 tonight, 4:30-10 friday, and 8-1 on Saturday and the Off on Sunday!!! I wanna go to my parents. See thier tree and what not.

2004-12-08T14:00:00.000-04:00

Mood: confused
Music: Extraordinary Girl- Green Day
Icon of the Moment:
Quote: Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But Anger is like fire. It burns all clean.

I dunno what I'm doing with my life right now, it's so off course. I'm someone I never thought I would ever be. How do I get back to who I want to be? Meh I don't even know

Life is beyond confusing.

I just wanna have fun this weekend. I better.

work at 6

2004-12-07T15:59:00.000-04:00

"when people show you who they are believe them, the first time..." wow what a quote. Definitally made me rethink all of my friends and current situations. Who are my friends? how do i see them. I can't even begin to describe how i'm feeling today. I feel as though I'm on the brink of doing something drastic that is going to change my life forever...And I believe it. I think that I am finially coming to the end of some the most critical things in my life. What do I value? Who do I value? more importantly who actually values me. Who values me? There is a couple people that I am actually questioning that for and it's probably not who you would expect.

I work from 6 until 9 tonight. I like working at shoppers. I just hope I can arrange my schedule so that i can go out this weekend. And I am going to have fun. I am going to forget about everything and have fun with my friends. And I would do that whether I was drinking or not. Cause I am so sick of feeling so less then enough. I'm over it.

I just don't even know what to say. Things are gonna change. I'm not gonna be there for some people anymore, because you honestly can't say that you have anyone's best interest but your own in my, how can i compete with that.

If you even care about knowing what I'm talking about, for all my friends that read this and the previous entry, you can message me, i'm off at 9...If you don't message me then i know what i have to do.

so yeah

2004-12-07T11:44:00.000-04:00

I was out with Beckey last night... well I was tricked into a movie night. I thought it was going to be Anj, Beckey and I but no it was Beckey and Chris, Anj and Mike, and Sylver.... Ugh. Way to make me feel like trash guys really. But anyway talking with Beckey afterwards and listen to all the things she was saying about Chris and stuff made me realize some things.

[Insert tons of personal stuff here]

[End personal stuff here]

I'm torn as to whether i should even post that. Should I tell him first or should I let him read it here. Should I even say this kinda shit on a website. Shouldn't I just bottle it up with everything else. Just bottle it up inside until I want to explode.... Yes thats what I'm doing I'm not posting that.

ok

2004-12-06T19:46:00.000-04:00

ok i changed it now, it's soooo cute:)

well lets see today is my only day off this week and plans didn't go so well.... I was planning on going to souris but it didn't pan out. I was telling my little brother the whole thing and he said something to me that made me wanna cry... Maybe I am just stupid.
I am constantly settling for less then i should. why should I be the one suffering I have done nothing wrong. I'm the one that should be out having more fin...
And that my friends is what I am totally keeping in mind for saturday night.

a change

2004-12-06T19:35:00.000-04:00

i thought i would ge tin the christmas spirit....the old layout will be up in the new year and for now this.... but i want to find a new picture i don't really like this one...

some time...

2004-12-05T09:05:00.000-04:00

I have to work at 10 but I thought since I had some time I would update here just cause I haven't. So yeah i guess I'm done at Walmart, I only got in four weeks... It was definitally a waste of time. Only four weeks and not that many hours. I should have got another job somewhere else...Oh well nothing I can do about it now but hope that I get all the money I'm supposed to.

My feet are begging me not to go to work they hurt sooo much. I work 10-6 on cash one. Which means I just stand there the whole time and doing nothing but wait on people and give them their lottery crap. And there was a draw from 649 I think last night so everyone will want their tickets checked, ugh... But I like money so what can ya do.

I just feel so worn out. I don't work Monday so i will probably go to my parents. Because I want to see them, and because I have like nothing to wear I'm like gonna have to go out there naked, lol. I am seriously like down to nothing.

I don't know what I am getting people for Christmas, well I do but I don't. I have some idea's but like for other people I have no idea. I haven't seen like nay of my friends cause i'm working so much, and the future isn't looking bright either. But Kayrn might pick me up from work tonight, if not Spiderman might give me a drive home again, if I ask nicely, lol.

Oh I don't wanna go, and because I don't wanna go this is going to be a super long day. I get a half a hour break which will be much apperciated, and a 15 minute break which won't be enough. Grrr....

Alright I have to go get ready and call a cab...

just another day

2004-12-02T10:48:00.000-04:00

Mood: ummm..yeah
Music: Lacuna Coil- A Current Obsession
Icon Of the Moment:
Music Quote:

So strong living in torture, I know
that you will never see, The light again

Well this is what my horoscope said for today:

You seem to want to become old and wise before your time. Today's
aspects will take you by the hand and lead you back into the heat of action,
experiencing life in all its intensity. Yes, Virgo, we know that you are really
afraid of all this. But if you don't get back into action you will stay alone in
your own little corner. We need you, so don't stay home!

So yeah I don't know what that means but anyway.

I am so confused I don't know what I even want now. And even if I decide what I want do I really want it or just think i do?

I dunno I'm confused.

yeah

2004-12-01T14:57:00.000-04:00

of course it would rain, i'm gonna look like hell when i get home. oh well not like someone's waiting here for me anyway. the cats don't care if i look like trash

work

2004-12-01T14:10:00.000-04:00

4:30-9 then walking home

so i changed my mind

2004-12-01T11:59:00.000-04:00

Thats right I changed my mind. I'm not sad or unhappy or anything I'm pissed off... Mad... Confused. It's not fair.

I wrote a bunch of stuff but I deleted it. No one needs to hear what i have to say.

...so much for my happy ending

2004-12-01T10:45:00.000-04:00

Mood: ok
Music: Are you Happy Now?- Michelle Branch
Icon of the Moment:
Music Quote: Could you look me in the eye and tell me that your happy now?

So, I dunno what to say really I just wanted to say stuff but I think i'm out of stuff i want the public to see. I think that by writing it on here i'm giving the wrong impression. People are getting to see too much of me. I'm too exposed and vulnerable.
Only happy thoughts will be written her from. Well maybe not happy thoughts but definitally not how i'm feeling in so much depth. No one wants to know the unhappy me.

...home from work

2004-11-30T21:39:00.000-04:00

So i went to work, it wasn't so bad. It clears my mind. Well sort of, I have to concentrate on work and not the things that are going on around me. I just dunno. I want things to be different. I don't wanna be so lonely anymore. So without someone. If there is someone for everyone where is my someone?

Oh someone please come to me.

Candace drove me home. She's so nice. And like we have a lot in common. Yay for friends. I like only have Shoppers friends now, And Spiderman. And Karyn. But other then that i don't talk to anyone. And I never see Spiderman so....

I know I know I'm such a complainer, life is so unfair, nothing good ever happens to me...

yeah

2004-11-30T14:15:00.000-04:00

the zipper on my work pants just broke

so lets recap

2004-11-30T13:40:00.000-04:00

walmart messes my pay up
i don't have a car and no chance of getting a car
i call walmart all night and no one answers
i leave two messages no one calls me back
i leave another message this morning no one calls me
i finially get through and i have one shift.
i go to have a shower and my water is brown cause they are flushing the lines and never told me
i had put dye in my hair so i couldn't just wear it up anyway
eastlink shuts my internet off but with persuasion turns it back on

i'm like gonna get run over walking to work or something like that. i just don't know, everything is against me.

2004-11-30T11:41:00.000-04:00

Mood: unhappy
Music: Completely Miserable- Lit
Icon of the Moment:
Music Quote: "You make me come, you make me comeplete, you make me completely miserable"- Lit

I just don't know what to do I tried to call Walmart Portrait Studio all night. I have left three messages...3!!!! Ummm yeah the least you can do is call me back and let me know when I work. Otherwise I can't prepare myself for the torture that I am going to endure because I am sure I work a couple 12 hour days. But not if you can't pick up the phone or call me back.

On a slight off the topic today everytime I got to type when I type what instead, whats up with that. My mind is always doing that, like I can't type and think at the same time or something... And i never read over anything so my journal entries must be super annoying. So Sorry.

I feel like I am constantly apologizing for something. I'm sorry I'm me ok i think that should cover all mistakes I ever make from now on. Like seriously it's ridicoulous. I'm just Sorry. I try to be who you all want me to be but sometimes i break down. I break down and do things i shouldn't. I have started doing something I shouldn't. I mean it's not as bad as it could be but it is a start and could get worse. Maybe I need help. No i can handle it. I can handle it all on my own.

I had another weird dream last night. I don't really remember it I just know it was weird. It was like one of those scary dreams but you know you are dreaming so it's not scary. I dunno. I'm just an all around strange person.

Mom I know you are just trying to help. I'm sorry I'm impossible. I just don't know what to do. Everything is going so downhill for me. I am constantly fighting against everything. Every day is a struggle for me to keep my sanity. That can't be right. Should I have to struggle to be happy. Maybe just nothing is meant to be. I just need some sort of sign.

Last night this guy messaged me that i haven't heard from in awhile. I met him on Ares. It was cool to hear from him. He thinks I'm this amazing person. If only he knew me for real, lol. He would think differently. I don't even have to be sweet I just talk to him about like crap and he thinks I'm this super nice person. Silly boy!

Boy do i feel like a hypocrit. I am giving Robyn advice on how she should be happy..
her: well someone just made fun of my weight as usual on sat, ive been crying pretty much since then
her: i may not even go out on my birthday
me: you have to go out because i am like going out and I won't go out for just anyone, i haven't drank or been out in like over a month
me: so you are going out
her: i dont know..........i dont feel like doing anything
her: i think i may have people over but not go to the bars, im too depressed
me: don't let people get you down like that, you are trying to lose weight you are going to go to weight watchers and stuff, you and i will go together
me: i want to go anyway, cause i'm fat
her: i know............im just really down
me: people are mean and insercure with themselves thats all
her: i havent been calling anyone, or doing anytning and i dont even wanna leave my house to go to work
me: cause you know what no one is happy with how they look
her: i know, but im disgusting
me: you can't get like that robyn it will drive you nuts i know. I know exactly how you are feeling and how it feels, but you just have to move on.
me: Your not disgusting you are like the nicest person. You would do anything for anyone
her: what happened was some guy drove by and was like how the hell did you ever get that fat?
me: and you have lots of friends who are obviously not disgusted by you
her: ya but they arent dating me or lookin gat me that way
me: one time i was walking home and some guy drove by and yelled slut, people are dumb and do randomly dumb things
me: people want to date you, and any guy that doesn't is too insecure with himself or too shallow.
her: the sad thing is i would rather be called slut a milllion times than fat
me: i haven't dated anyone in three years
her: ya but you at least have guys interesting in you, like shane was
me: no shane wasn't shane is a liar and a fake
her: but at least you have men in your life
me: so do you, you get way more action then i do
me:
me: you have men in your life you just don't see it that way cause it's your life
her: i have absolutely no men that would ever be interested in me
her: im always the "friend"
me: i hear ya i'm the same way
me: and i know it sucks
me: but you have to look on the bright side of things or you will never get out of it
her: i dont see any bright side of things, that is the problem
me: my mom is always telling if you think positive positive things will happen and it's true. I needed a job so much that i was like crying about it, and as soon as i was like i'm going to get a job i got two
me: but robyn there is a bright side
her: that is my #1 problem tho, i dont see any bright side at all
me: you are a beautiful wonderful smart person. I mean you just graduated from university and you are going on to do more. That is more then most of your friends can say for themselves. You are going to be so happy robyn i can see it. You just need to realize that you are great
me: and who cares what random people who don't even have the balls to get to know you think
her: blah blah
me: sorry i didn't help
her: no, you tried to help tho

Maybe I should take my own advice huh?... And I apologized! I can't be helped either, lol.

Anyway I have to eat, then shower, then work.

Ok my Ares is on random play and the song that just came on is July, July- The Decemberists so I take this as a sign to say that I miss you so much Spiderman. You mean so much to me. And no matter what happens we will always be friends, and I will always remember you.

Beautiful

2004-11-30T11:39:00.000-04:00

Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
Is that the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side
All the other times

We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

~ Beautiful- Christina Aguilera

suicide

2004-11-29T17:56:00.000-04:00

Mood: why me?

I just don't wanna do it anymore. I can't handle it. Everything is piling on and nothing is coming off. I owe more and more money everyday and I can't seem to get a handle on it. I thought I had at least some of it under control but I don't. I have nothing under control and I can't even get it under control. My credit is fucked. I won't be able to like do anything for oh 7 years. That is really gonna fuck me over. But it's my fault. Nothing I can do about it now. I've fucked up my life for the next 7 years and there is nothing I can do about it. I probably can't even go back to school. Not until I get everything payed off. Who's gonna wanna lend me money now?

I wanna drop off the face of the earth. Just disappear and never come back. Everyone would forget about me eventually. Grrr... I've had like the worst day.

Nothing in my life is under control.

i hate this.

maybe i won't be here tomorrow.

one can hope.

Only Day Off

2004-11-29T13:43:00.000-04:00

Mood: frustrated
Music: A3- Woke Up this Morning (Soprano's Theme)
Icon of the Moment:
Movie Quote of the Day:
Walter Stratford: Where is she going?
Kat Stratford: She's meeting bikers. Big ones. Full of sperm.
Walter Stratford: Funny.

So my only day off and I can't sleep in because my sister is here, and when I finially do get up she's installing crap on my computer and didn't even ask me if she could. And we all know what she would do if I did that. She would freak out at me. But no she can do whatever she wants to me. And she like got mad because i said i was going to delete her bookmarks and stuff... She has her own computer and she is going to be gone from like December until April... So why would I keep all her crap on my computer.

Anyway I had a weird dream last night. Bam Margera( i dunno how to spell it) was in it. It was weird. Very...weird. Spiderman was in it too. So weird, but I'm not going to go into details.

I have a lot of hours at Shoppers this week. Walmart hasn't even payed me yet. I better get paid today. I'm serious I've been there 3 weeks thats not fair. My bill situation just keeps getting worse and worse. I dunno I feel like I am falling down a huge hole. It sucks so much. I just wanna get a car but my bills just keep building up and up more and more, and with christmas.... Ahhhh!!!!! It just sucks. And then after christmas I have to look for another job, and like that is going to be pretty hard. And in the spring if i don't move i need to find a place to live, and someone to live with. And that is going to be the hardest. Who can I live with honestly? There isn't many people. And I am keeping at least one of my cats. So you have to not mind pets. I just dunno what to do.

I'm just so frustrated. I just grrr.....

I just got my check from Walmart it should be like $200 and it's on $31.00.... what am I supposed to do with that. I can't take any cabs to work with that. Like one maybe. I can't go to the states for christmas. I can't afford it. I'm home alone, and working for christmas. Yay me. Aren't I like the sadest case ever. My grandmother is dying and I can't afford to go for christmas. I feel bad but there is nothing i can do. I just can't afford to take anytime off of work.

I hate my life....

i want to die...right now..

Brrr

2004-11-26T22:42:00.000-04:00

It is soo cold outside. I had to wait like forever for a cab. And it was like freezing. I hope it's not so cold tomorrow, I have to walk from walmart to shoppers. I can't afford to take a cab everywhere, and I'm not getting paid until monday from Walmart so I hope I don't get stuck without a ride somewhere.

My legs are sore...I think it's from the ....grocery shopping i did...yes the grocery shopping! Hmmmm.... I love grocery shopping. Especially with my spiderman.

My mouth is burnt and like feels all weird because I have been Dill Pickle Chips and now I also think that my Wisdom teeth are being all stupid. Lol. Listen to me complain. I'm such a complainer sometimes but that is what this is for I guess; to let all who read this know my feelings. I mean if there is an all those who read this.

Alrighty.... I'm talking to Candace now and I'm getting all distracted and not concentrating. Lol. And probably not making any sense. Mitch hates that.

With or Without You

2004-11-26T14:39:00.000-04:00

Mood: tired
Music: Calling You- Blue October
Icon of the Moment:
Quote of the Day: "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
-Socrates.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you

~ with or without you- U2

Yeah I like that song a lot. It came on the radio yesterday was I was driving the truck back into town. Although it does remind me of friends, lol. How geeky is that?
I work tonight until 8 and then 9 to 9 tomorrow. I am goin got be pretty sleepy, and cuddlely, lol. I wanna go to Souris but I work Sunday. Maybe I'll have Monday off. Maybe.

Spiderman came shopping with me. It made me miss him so much. I miss you so much. I miss being able to just hang out with you and have fun.

Anyway I have to get ready for work. I wanted to write more but I'm not that interesting.

Happy Birthday Gram!

2004-11-24T10:24:00.000-04:00

Mood: awake
Music: atreyu- living each day like you're already dead
Icon of the Moment:
Quote of the Day: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -Mariah Carey.

My quote made me laugh so hard. Definitally a teehee moment. I wonder if she regretted saying that? or if she even seen the problem in saying it...lol

Anyway today is my Grandmothers birthday. She is 64. She made it. Happy Birthday Gram! My Auntie Pam called my Mom yesterday. My cousin Amie had her ultrasound she's having a girl. Aliyah Jade. It's cute. I can't wait to play with the baby. I will be down there when she is born. Well I'm planning on it anyway. Who knows what will happen though, maybe I won't wanna leave here. To stay or to go, my on going battle.

I think i freaked my mother out last night when she told me about Amie's baby. I said i I can't wait to have kids, well get married and have kids, well like not tomorrow or anything, lol. I think she knows what I meant. I'm just ready to like find someone to love me, not necessarily marry me but at least like date. Like this crap is so depressing.

Karyn bought me cheesies.... Yay. You have no idea how much I wanted some. I owe her big time.

Anyway I'm pretty boring.

My horoscope for today: You could find yourself longing for a lover from the past tonight, wondering what's happening with this person right now. Weird.... Hmmmm I could go for someone's love right now.

I am constantly battleing myself and my life. Karyn has been a lot of help, she's funny...ooo I wanna know whats going on with her and chancy. Ew, but they hung out all day yesterday.

I have so much stuff I want to do and need to do. I will visit you Tiffany I promise. We will party and pick up cute boys and have so much fun!!! And I wanna go visit Jenna and Terry. I NEED an adventure. And she is the best one to do it with. She said she will take me to the bars, we will party and have fun! Yay for partying!

I'm such a nut like honestly.

I'm going home for thanksgiving so i will be in good ol souris for the night. Well Naufrage. I wouldn't go to Souris unless I absolutely HAD to.

*huggles* Spiderman...I miss you.... I wish i could hug you for real.

xoxo

yeah so i'm weird, what you gonna do about it....

2004-11-23T15:49:00.000-04:00

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak.
But if you feel like I feel.
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm a lonely night.
I love you baby. Trust in me when I say OK:
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.
And let me love you,
oh baby let me love you, oh baby....

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived.
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off of you.

I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I need you baby to warm a lonely night.
I love you baby. Trust in me when I say it's OK
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down I pray.
Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay.
And let me love you,
oh baby let me love you, oh baby....

I need you baby, and if it's quite all right,
I LOVE you baby to warm a lonely night.
I NEED you baby. Trust in me when I say it's OK
Oh pretty baby, don't let me down I pray. Oh pretty
baby, now that I found you, stay. And let me
love you, oh baby let me love you, oh baby....

- can't take my eyes off of you

forget about it

2004-11-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

Mood: cold
Music: Forget- Drowning Pool
Icon of the Moment::
Quote of the Day: There's nothing in this world so sweet as love, And next to love the sweetest thing is hate.

My life is so strange. I found out yesterday I am my own misery. Not that I ever doubted that but I realized it for sure.

i just can't even think about things clearly right now.

i have thought about everything so much i'm not even making sense anymore. everything is just so wrong. I want to make it right.

i want you so much.

ever wanted to know

2004-11-22T22:21:00.000-04:00

Anything You Ever Wanted To Know

Anything for Cheesies!

2004-11-22T13:13:00.000-04:00

Mood: artisitic
Music: I don't wanna be- Gavin Degraw
Icon of the Moment:
Quote of the day: Death is patiently making my mask as I sleep. Each morning I
awake to discover in the corners of my eyes the small tears of his wax.
-Philip Dow

I kept dreaming that I was trying to commit suicide. I tried to over dose on tyenol and then I lit my wrists... How unnormal is that?
I looked up what it means, as I always do. I dunno not as bad as i thought.

Suicide

To dream that you commit suicide, denotes that conditions in your life is so frustrating that you are no longer willing to cope with a situation or relationship in the same way as you did in the past. Alternatively, you may be unable to overcome feelings of guilt and thus turning the aggression on yourself. On a more positive note, it may suggest that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself or character that your have been carrying around.

I was bored yesterday and so I looked up the meaning of my jelly bracelets, lol, or should i say sex bracelets because they are being banned in schools around here for sexual meanings. So apparently if you break one off of someone's wrist of a certian color then you have to do that sexual act...

Black: sexual intercourse
Blue: blow job (alternate meaning: lap dance)
Green: cunnilingus (alternate meaning: outdoor sex, hug)
Clear: whatever you want (alternate meaning: hug)
Orange: kiss
Yellow: hug (alternate
meaning: analingus)
Red: lap dance (alternate
meaning: French kiss, oral sex)
Purple: anal sex
(alternate meaning: holding hands, doggy style)
Silver: fisting
White: flash your tits (alternate meaning: gay kiss, French kiss)
Pink: flashing
Gold glitter: make out
Brown: toss my salad, i.e., analingus
Glow in the dark: using sex toys, e.g. vibrators, dildos, etc.

Interesting to know, lol. Not that that is what they mean to me so it doesn't really matter. I just like them.

My back is really killing me. I'm probably gonna have to go to a clinic tonight. I hate night clinics. I don't wanna sit around for hours. But my back is pretty sore. I can't fill the prescription until friday anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter. Thats when i get payed. I really need to spend some money on food. I have like nothing...and i'm craving cheesies, lol. Oh what i would give fore some.

I think of you everyday Spiderman. I really do. And I don't want you to forget that. I want you to come with me for christmas. We'll arrange is so we can. We should probably plan that now huh. If you even want to. If you dont i guess it's easy.

I'm watching the virgin suicides. Maybe I shouldn't be, lol. After dreaming about what I was dreaming. Not that I'm going to commit suicide. Not today anyway. It's the type of movie only I would like. I like movies that no one else seems to like. I guess I'm just a weirdo.

Robyn and I were talking about marriage and kids and stuff. I like Hartley Raine for a girl. Hartley cause I'm weird and Raine for Loraine, my grandmother. I think that would be nice. I dunno, lol. I won't be having kids anytime soon. Or getting married. Kinda need to be dating someone.

Anyway I don't make much sense.

i fixed it....

2004-11-21T23:48:00.000-04:00

Mood: accomplished

Music: extraoridinary girl- green day

Icon of the Moment:

Quote of the Day: "Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up
with chocolate.".

My back hurts so much that I am going to cry. I like can't do anything. I don't even have a car so I can go to the doctor, and like i have to work tomorrow and tuesday. It hurts so much. Someone come comfort me. Or put me outta my misery one or the other.

morning

2004-11-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

i don't really have time to be doing this. I have to get ready for work cause I have to walk so I will be leaving soon. Karyn is picking me up after work though. I will post then.

yup

2004-11-19T01:01:00.000-04:00

yeah it's me you know home alone....yes thats right i have no life. I was so bored infact that i filled out a little survey. wow... I suck.

Anyway I work at Walmart tomorrow....11-7. Whoopie. Yay money. boo work. if only there was a way. And Boo people who want money from me. You won't get it. It'll be like takeing blood from a stone. I can give you like the fifty cents i have. is that enough to get you off my back? Stupid bill collectors.

I'm grumpy. I'm lonely. And I have no life.... Look at me go!

can we all say...god you need a life!!

2004-11-18T23:58:00.000-04:00

[ ] I think I'm really attractive.
[ ] I prefer winter over summer.
[x] I am a geek.
[ ] I am a shopaholic.
[x] I am reasonably intelligent.
[x] I am attracted to girls.
[x] I am attracted to boys.
[x] I like British accents.
[ ] I smoke regularly.
[ ] I smoke socially.
[x] I drink socially.
[ ] I drink regularly.
[ ] I get drunk easily.
[ ] I do "drug(s)".
[ ] I will never date a bad kisser.
[ ] I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
[ ] I brush my hair at least 50 times a night.
[ ] I am religious.
[x] I am not religious but have morals.
[ ] I lie frequently.
[ ] I am impulsive.
[ ] I am hardworking.
[ ] I loved Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
[ ] She's All That is one of my favourite movies.
[ ] I am good at History.
[ ] I speak more than two languages.
[x] I enjoy taking pictures.
[ ] I like spending money on myself.
[x] I like spending money on others.
[ ] I have a regular income.
[x] I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
[x] I pay my own bills.
[ ] I rely on my parents for money.
[x] I can cook.
[ ] I enjoy cleaning.
[ ] Tidiness is a must in my life.
[x] I like clutter.
[ ] My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
[ ] I am fashion-conscious.
[x] I have good taste.
[x] People tell me I have good taste.
[x] I am told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
[ ] I am good at sports.
[ ] I am good at certain sports (spades haha).
[ ] I couldn't do sports to save my life.
[x] I am creative.
[x] I am extremely artistically inclined.
[x] I want to be an artist when I grow up.
[ ] I want to be an engineer when I grow up.
[x] I eat when I'm upset.
[ ] I cannot adapt to change.
[ ] I am interested in politics.
[ ] I have shoplifted.
[x] I download MP3s.
[x] I have done underage drinking.
[ ] I have gone underage clubbing.
[ ] I can dance reasonably well.
[ ] I can dance extremely well.
[x] I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
[ ] I can sing.
[x] I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
[x] I can swim.
[x] I enjoy surveys.
[x] I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
[x] I keep a journal.
[ ] My teachers don't like me.
[ ] I enjoy controversy.
[x] I can be a bitch/bastard.
[x] I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
[ ] I have tattoos.
[ ] I've been in a nudist colony
[ ] I'm not sure if I want to have children.
[x] I'm not sure if I'll get married.
[ ] I know who I will marry
[ ] Someone has a crush on me.
[x] I am interesting.
[ ] I am a good liar.
[x] People enjoy talking to me.
[x] I annoy people from time to time.
[ ] I am a born leader.
[ ] I am a born leader but shouldn't lead.
[ ] I've snuck out of the house.
[ ] I enjoy felching...(wtf is that?!)
[ ] I have a foot fetish.
[ ] I have a shoe fetish.
[x] I watch Sex And The City.
[ ] I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
[ ] I want to be J Lo.
[ ] I cut myself.
[x] I have cut myself.
[x] I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
[ ] I hate popular people.
[x] I think cheerleading is a sport.
[ ] I am photogenic.
[ ] I live in Chucks.
[x] I think graffiti is art.
[ ] I have dated a criminal.
[ ] I have been cheated on.
[ ] I have cheated on someone.
[ ] I have a temper.
[x] I like playgrounds.
[x] I dance in the rain
[ ] I am obsessed with Shakespeare.
[ ] I have tanlines.
[ ] My favourite color is pink.
[x] My favourite color is black.
[ ] I would classify myself as emo.
[ ] I am musically inclined.
[x] I like listening to music.
[x] I like music-blasting cars.
[x] Thongs are comfortable.
[x] I like flip-flops.
[x] I know what monogamy is...
[x] ... and I believe in it.
[ ] I want to be a social worker when I grow up. I DO!
[x] I have sibling[s].
[x] My siblings annoy me
[x] I think South Park is funny.
[x] I prefer Google
[x] I can sit Indian Style
[x] I own a cat
[ ] I plan on owning more.
[x] I read a lot.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've let someone cheat off of me on a test

Have you ever...
[x] been drunk
[ ] smoked pot.
[x] kissed someone.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[ ] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[x] been in a fist fight.
[x] broken a bone
[ ] got hit by a car.
[ ] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] gone in a mosh pit.
[x] stolen something from your school.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date.
[x] lied to a friend.
[ ] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[ ] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling.
[x] played 'clue'
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[ ] cheated on a bf/gf.
[ ] been cheated on.
[x] had your tonsils out.
[x] had a car
[ ] totalled a car

DO YOU ...
[ ] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[ ] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[ ] think you're attractive.
[x] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.
[ ] listen to Hawaiian Music
[ ] listen to underground hip hop
[x] listen to rap.
[x] listen to rock.
[ ] listen to country.
[ ] listen to reggae.
[x] listen to techno.
[x] have hobbies
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[ ] get good grades
[ ] play an instrument.
[x] have slippers
[x] wear boxers
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color pink.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[x] have long hair
[ ] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[ ] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager

ARE YOU ...
[x] ugly.
[ ] pretty.
[x] okay.
[ ] Handsome.
[x] bored.
[ ] happy.
[ ] bilingual.
[ ] Hawaiian.
[ ] Samoan.
[ ] Filipino.
[ ] Korean.
[ ] British.
[x] white.
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[ ] asian.
[x] short.
[ ] tall.
[ ] realistic.
[ ] sick.
[x] mad.
[x] lazy.
[x] single
[ ] taken.
[x] looking.
[ ] not looking.
[x] talking to someone.
[x] IMing someone.
[ ] scared to die
[x] horny.
[x] tired.
[x] sleepy
[x] annoyed.
[x] hungry.
[x] thirsty.
[ ] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs.
[x] ticklish.
[x] listening to music.
[ ] a virgin

Are you one of the 3 P`s? (Poser, Punk, Prep)
What do they call you?
When is your cake-day?
What color are you feelin`?
What grade you reppin`?
What`s your favorite song?
You are a ViRGiN =)	FALSE
You are in l0ve <3	TRUE
You are:	A PUNK! - You`re a unique person, you`ve got your own style and that`s awesome.
You are a true:	Player...enough said =D
You like:	)
One of your go0d qualities is:	that you are Sweet! Everyone notices how kind you are to others, people love being around you =) You brighten everyones day!

This QuickKwiz by lil_mmm - Taken 99385 Times.

What Kind of Geek are You?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your IQ is	high
You are a	gamer geek
Your strength is	you can understand and use slang
Your weakness is	caffine
You think normal people are	stupid
Normal people think that you are	weird

This Quiz by owlsamantha - Taken 186672 Times.

Emo Boyfriend
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
His Name	Eric
His Looks/Style	Curly-ish brown hair, brown eyes, tan skin, labret pierced, tight tshirts, tight pants, skate shoes
How you met	At a Taking Back Sunday show
How he tells you he loves you	Sits outside your house at 2 in the morning and plays guitar and sings (very well) "Only One" by Yellowcard
What he calls you	Princess
How far you've gone	you lost your virginity to each other

This QuickKwiz by _shelovedaboy - Taken 101944 Times.

Your Love Life in Evanescence Lyrics
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your Love Life	We're leaving here tonight,There's no need to tell anyone,They'd only hold us down,So by the morning light,We'll be half way to anywhere,Where love is more than just your name

This cool quiz by Eskimo - Taken 31081 Times.

What kinda sex do you like?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Times you want to fuck a day..	10
Fav. position	any position as long as its rough
How you like it	anyway you can get it
Where do you like doing it	In public places
how good are you?	hot and steamy

This QuickKwiz by sixmilesleft - Taken 29351 Times.

Your inner angel
First Name
Last Name
Where do you live?	Nowhere
What kind of angel are you?	Fallen
Your angels age?	a couple of hundred years....

This cool quiz by Midnight_Sunrise - Taken 7851 Times.

† Unhappily Ever After †

Nice Horoscope huh?!?!

huggles

Interesting

My monster and me

Soup?

sit back and wait

I dunno

i'm just sad

Sorry

I'm just the background music...

Today

Spiderman

A night to forget

Dont wanna be me

happy?

lol

Summer

self explanatory

Me

So I have no Life

today is...just another day

suicide

go back to sleep

Hoped and Maybe Even Prayer

My Convo With Beckey

*insert catchy title*

A Quicky

I need a reason

You learn something new...

Forever Changing

I just...

so lets see

grrrrrr

So...

so what the hell is gonna happen now?

meh

yup

fetish??? mmmmmm....fetish...lol

Dollar shots, 3 dollar drinks and 5 dollar cover oh my!

feelin' like a criminal..

yeah

My Spideyman and Me

I remembered a title!!! Although not that interesting I remembered!

To Spiderman

I keep forgetting to put a title

Romantic Getaway

Sorry About the Truthfulness

so what does this all mean?

i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me....

oblivious to the way I feel

Dancing in the Moonlight

all about you

Yeah figures....

I dunno why I am up so early...

Just a stupid person

so it's 2005

In New Hampshire

Rewind and tape over

Grrr

someone tell me please

Just Get Over It!

So damn unhappy

Just Forget Me

nothing creative to put here

work at 6

so yeah

ok

a change

some time...

just another day

yeah

work

so i changed my mind

...so much for my happy ending

...home from work

yeah

so lets recap

Beautiful

suicide

insert catchy title